Sorry hotwheels...if my posts came across as judging you. I'm just genuinely concerned. All I can do is go off of how I interepret what you write....it seems to me, you have felt stuck in some of the same yucky feelings for a while. So, like "they" say in recovery...nothing changes until it changes. We all have changing to do everyday - hopefully - it doesn't mean that no progress has been made though.