Have you and your wife tried al-anon/nar-anon????

Fear is normal...it also can be very destructive for everyone around.

It's extremely scary when we realize this thing is bigger than all of us. It's like the ocean....it's a force too strong to fight. We have to learn to give into being powerless over it.....and trust the process.....

There is peace though....even if your addicted loved one is using or not....you can find personal peace via awareness, acceptance, and action....that will begin to overflow onto others....versus fear, anxiety, anger, denial, obsession, etc.