Laura - It is not that simple - see, I ROBBY want help but my disease , my addiction , the GREAT tyrant Tina does not and that is where the resisting of help comes in .. I am caught up in the back and forth mode in my mind , I wanna use and I wanna stay clean . I go back and forth 30 times a day between those two thoughts and feelings , it is confusing and tiring . Just like with my BPD , I have mood swings from sad to happy 20-30 times a day.

Actually PAWS - Insanity is not so simple to explain because it is different in us all , they say in AA - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result ... Well, with me insanity is doing the same thing over and over KNOWING what the result is going to be but doing it anyway ... I saw in a movie last night where they said this mental patient that once a person is declared insane then everything he says is further proof of that insanity, so whatever I say here is going to be discredited because people think I am insane ...

Thank You Once apon a time .. I do feel I am so different that nobody could understand me ... I think people can try but it is hard to understand what you do not live and experience ... I think what I want out of KCI is for people to accept me and to just listen , I don't need advice just someone to say , "Hey Rob, good to see you here today , I am sorry you are suffering , stay strong " I guess I just need people to accept where I am at . clean or using , and just listen ...