I was not going to post again because I am sick of people telling me that they know what I am going through when they do not , as my addiction is different than theirs, we may all be addicted to the same drug but our experiences are different and some people can embrace recovery and others have trouble doing so , but I just thought I would check in , I have not used yet , the obsession and glamorizing of the drug life is still there and bad but I have held off thus far , feels as though I want to just go and do it impulsively but have not yet..

I think that we all have our own path , and other factors in ourselves and our lives do play a role in our recovery and story. My borderline dx as well as my sexual addiction , self esteem, and so on do make recovery more difficult and thus make my life more difficult.

I wish people could understand where I am at ... How I know that using or even wanting to use is bad for me and will ruin my life but how I feel drawn to do it anyway , unable to play the tape through and do all of what people suggests that I do ...

I truly feel that the drug calls my name and tempts me beyond belief ... all I can do is try and if I fall then I fall ... but God is in control , I am not and I know that nobody can save me ... I wish they could as I know if I do use it will be bad ..

Please don't judge me , I am a unique addict whether you think so or not .. my issues make my addiction more complex and complicated and thus more difficult to treat .. just try to see things from my point of view.