Yes it DOES have a hold of me , how can someone else tell me what does and does not have a hold of me ... I may be making excuses or I may not be

but my mind tells me that I do not have control over my addiction - I DID , but I no longer do... I just had a therapy session with a place called Stonewall

here in SF .. and what STONEWALL is , is a non judgmental counseling center where you can talk to an individual therapist or group counseling whether

you want to stay clean or cut down , or just use in a harm reduction sense ...

I know people will disagree with me but I DO NOT feel I have a choice .. I do not feel anyone does but if you feel you are in control then happy for you ...

I feel Crystal has me in it's grips again and that I will succumb to the temptation .... maybe not today, or tomorrow , but eventually ....

Why do I come here ? I do not come here for someone to save me or even for advice .. because I know where I am caught , in my head , nobody can talk me down from it . SO, WHY DO I COME TO KCI YOU ASK ? I come here to talk about my feelings and to get it off my chest and maybe by my impending relapse , it will help someone else ...

I really , truly want people to understand me and how my mind works so later I will write a separate thread explaining how my brain works and why I get

caught up in relapse mode so very often.


Again , Meth DOES INDEED call my name and it has for every day since 2005 .. I just for some reason have been able to fight it off but that ability is fleeting fast.

I know people think that the drug has no power but I FIRMLY FEEL THAT IS DOES ... The addiction (mental ) is sooo powerful , maybe it does not hold

you guys hostage , but it does me ...

WHY DON'T PEOPLE VALIDATE MY FEELINGS ? WHY WOULD I LIE ABOUT HOW I FEEL ? THIS IS JUST WHERE I AM AT ... CAN PEOPLE NOT ACCEPT THAT ?

WHY DO U GUYS CLAIM THE HIGH AND MIGHTY ROLE ALWAYS ? AFRIAD TO SHOW THAT U R WEAK AND NOT RECOVERY GODS ??