Yes I am terminally unique and I will always believe that I am, I am different than most people .... any doctor would tell you so ... Relapse is part of Meth recovery ... at least that has been my experience.. and all the recovery literature states that fact.

listen, I cannot explain why out of the blue after a year plus clean the obsession hit me and gets stronger everyday ... My wife asks me why I would choose Meth over her ... but the reality and truth is that I do not want to feel this way and do not choose Meth , I really don't ... I truly feel that Meth CHOOSES ME , I do not want to be caught up in the unrelenting obsession and hurt her and others that care about me ... I deep down do not want to get wrapped up in that painful mess that is use, crash, use, crash and so on ... and I do not want to die - it scares the hell out of me to die and be no more ...

I cannot explain how and why Meth got a hold of me again , but I wish it had not ... I honestly thought I had made it through to the other side ... the only thing keeping me clean this far is my wife , but as they say in the program , another person can only keep us clean for so long ...

People give me LOTS of great advice and suggestions but nobody tells me how does one NOT want to use .. how does one stay clean when they have a longing to get high again, how does one stay on the right path when their mind tells them that they want another run or another hit ? I am in a battle with my mind , constantly on the fence, not knowing to stay clean or go back and use ... it is a constant battle that is complicated by my mental illnesses ... so in that I am unique , as if I was like you guys then I would not go through this .

I feel so close to using , I keep trying to hold off ... but in my experience that only lasts for so long .. I am terrified to use but also terrified not to...