Robby99 wrote:

As for you PAWS - I DID NOT INSULT ANYONE .... I SIMPLY DEFENDED MYSELF AGAINST PEOPLE WHO PUT ME DOWN INSTEAD OF REALLY SEEING WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH , AND I DID NOT MEAN TO TRIGGER YOU , SEE, ITS OK WHEN PEOPLE TRIGGER ME BUT I CAN'T ... PURE BS DUDE ... I AM DOING THE BEST HERE WITH WHAT I HAVE AVAILABLE TO ME ... I AM SUFFERING TRYING TO STAY CLEAN .... I JUST FIGURED PEOPLE HERE WOULD BE UNDERSTANDING INSTEAD OF JUDGMENTAL .. NOT EVERYONE CAN BE SO STRONG , I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS... MY THINKING IS NOT THE SAME AS YOU OR OTHERS ... WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO BE ABLE TO JUST BE CURED AND DO THE RIGHT THING JUST LIKE THAT ...
  So homey what part of your own rant don't you think we as recovering men and women don't go through ?  How can someone who's gone through meth not understand or really see it ?  Every addict I know has gone through periods of Schizophrenia, BPD, NPD, and Bi-polar I know I have, add 28 yrs of HIV with it . You are not unique, you are not going through anything I haven't .  People expect and I laugh , people judge me and I laugh  it's the only way I know how to step out of the box and look in and master it .

 Medical science is my life, I used to believe that Dr.'s were the answer,  I admit  I was diagnosed with Hiv and told I was dead 28yrs ago and that's the exact wording that was used  ;  do you even have an idea how I was treated by the normal people in the 80's  So yes you insult me  and I laugh ,  I get triggered  I laugh , Laughter is my only resource , I've been Hiv+ and I've never been sick never had an opportunistic infection , because  I stepped out of the medical box and laughed and taught others to not fear me or distrust me  but rather to laugh with me.  As for a diagnosis , I only get sick  because of the medications that these medical guru's prescribe, Dr.s are human they are my boss, my friends and in some cases lover. They don't know everything do they ?  Don't believe everything you know.

 You are a friend and you insult yourself , IMO .  Step out of the box, you are an intelligent , brilliant man , you recognize the disease, now step out of  the box and look within it .  You're good at that , referring to yourself  in the third person , exposes  you  buddy .  Myself I have to laugh at it.. the only difference is finding the finesse to have others laugh with you and not at you . Same as having those angry with you not at you.

 Maybe we sound one way to you , but when I feel the short hairs on my neck bristle , I know it's because I see myself in you , I remember exactly what I felt again and again when I read your agony and Yes Rob just like you feel it .

 I know one thing today ... everyone who's been through it will tell me the truth  whether I like it or buy it or not .  The person(s) you feel attack you the most speak the greatest truth , maybe for myself  I find relief by teaching what  I know and feel through laughter . 

   The only thing I'm not laughing about today is the one man who's absence is deafening .  I'm crying for him today.  I was praying he would log on and engage you so I could feel him , he speaks the truth .  Maybe the focus needs to be changed  so we don't always have to live in our self imposed agony.

 Sometimes the very things we see and dislike  in others is the latent  thing we harbor in ourselves .

 I am not cured !  I am not strong !  I am living , and I am learning  when  not to cast my pearls before swine .   I am not normal . I wouldn't want my daughter to marry a normal person  ,  normal people start wars , and drop bombs on children and spoil the earth for other living creatures here and yet to come .

 I'm like Travis , who is a friend , to you too, I'm out of here these are  my last words to  you  .  I love you too, I hope you make it
out .