You are right Suz - I do get defensive and sometimes get out of hand and say things I shouldn't. I FEEL judged because I just want my feelings validated , I am suffering and struggling and people tell me to do X , Y, and Z and that makes me feel judged when I feel unable to do those things ... I know people do care , I do not know why people are drawn to me ... I feel like a piece of shyt and not worth any of it ... perhaps that is why I wanna use so bad .. because I don't feel my life is worth anything or I will ever be happy ... I do not mean to be hostile ... not sure why I am ....