Eve,

I wrote this long reply to you but my computer crashed and I lost it, and I am on my way to a meeting so here goes again ... (short version )

I am glad that you are going into treatment and doing better yourself. Borderline and Bipolar is a nasty combo and add an addiction to this awful drug and it makes recovery VERY hard. I have had BPD and Bipolar since I was 17 , it got better in my mid 20s briefly but now it is at its all time worst. My thinking and feelings are very distorted so I look for the only thing that has ever taken away the pain (of course always returns worse ) and that is Crystal... I do not believe though that I created a mess out of my life, I believe that my illnesses and the world who has phucked me over has done that , I firmly believe that in my heart and soul. I am doing the best I can , I am taking my meds, I am waiting on waitlist for psych doc, therapist, and an outpatient program. I am going to meetings and trying to fight the urge to use ... trying to stay clean though feels like I am dying ...

It is not me that chooses to look at videos of users or to go looking for crystal , it is the impulsive part of BPD that pulls me to act out ,. we as borderlines act on what we are feeling in the moment and our actions are based on feelings and urges , we are usually unable to look at the whole picture and weigh out the consequences ...


As for you PAWS - I DID NOT INSULT ANYONE .... I SIMPLY DEFENDED MYSELF AGAINST PEOPLE WHO PUT ME DOWN INSTEAD OF REALLY SEEING WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH , AND I DID NOT MEAN TO TRIGGER YOU , SEE, ITS OK WHEN PEOPLE TRIGGER ME BUT I CAN'T ... PURE BS DUDE ... I AM DOING THE BEST HERE WITH WHAT I HAVE AVAILABLE TO ME ... I AM SUFFERING TRYING TO STAY CLEAN .... I JUST FIGURED PEOPLE HERE WOULD BE UNDERSTANDING INSTEAD OF JUDGMENTAL .. NOT EVERYONE CAN BE SO STRONG , I HAVE MENTAL ILLNESS... MY THINKING IS NOT THE SAME AS YOU OR OTHERS ... WHY DO PEOPLE EXPECT ME TO BE ABLE TO JUST BE CURED AND DO THE RIGHT THING JUST LIKE THAT ...