Robby,

Maybe it'd help you a bit to just have a cyber-discussion with someone who has traits of Borderline Personality Disorder. If so, I'm voluteering.

Well, according to my SSI denial letter I have full blown Borderline and I also have Bipolar Disorder. I don't know why the psych community wants to dance around telling me I have Borderline. Maybe they think it'll make me read the symptoms and adopt ones I don't have or just use the diagnosis as an excuse for out of control behavior?

What I miss most about using meth is becoming psychotic. When I relapse and I don't use meth and/ or get to that state I feel cheated. I think that the reason I chase the feeling of being on the edge and not knowing my head from my arse is that it gives me freedom. Freedom to have unnatural sex and maybe even live out violent urges I get.

The violent urges are what really concern me into not "trying" to recover but actually doing it. Easier said that done because I get these weird compulsions and obsessions too.

I'm in a fairly good place now. After 10+ years of f^cking with these male twins my obsession with them has pretty much ran its course. Some people just can't live up to the fantasy. An addiction expert tries to tell me that D--a man-- is my drug of choice. Well, I think the whole drug of choice concept is bullshyt; although I strongly prefer meth to anything else, I'm more like a garbage can addict. I'll use whatever's in front of me.

I get to go to treatment in 3 weeks. It'll be residential treatment, all women. 6 months-1 year. i've been on the waiting list since December. After residential i'm going to go back to Intensive Outpatient Program. It's all through the same organization, child and Family.

May 14th is my clean date.

For me, I've just bided my time--tooth and nail/ hit and miss--until a date was set for me to get into treatment. Now I feel kind of like the gang in the 80's movie "The Warriors" trying to make it through the night and back onto their safe territory. I do take my psych meds; I'm lucky to get the samples and patient assistance program since I have no insurance or money.

I don't know what to advise you that I haven't written in the previous post. I just hope it all works out for you. "Believe in a power greater than the mess you've created out of your life. Believe that the Power can work it out, and that this life lesson will serve a purpose on a grand scheme of things." That's what I took from a social support group meeting I went to today.