To be clear Travis (Knownfear) and others who think that I do not want advice or help ... I REALLY do but my disease has me in the grips of addictive addiction (even though I am not using) , I am caught in the fork in the road where I want to stay clean but also want to use and feel that feeling of the rush again , and the only person on this board who seems to understand what I am feeling is Jokersgirl as she too has the daily obsession to use ... Laura says to change my thinking but how does one change their thinking if they suffer from a disease that has distorted thinking ?

I know others suffer greatly but I do feel wanting to use all day , everyday is suffering more than others ... I put temptations in my life again because I feel pulled to do so , I feel that the addiction and using lifestyle is pulling me in ...

I want help but I know I have to help myself and do not know how to do so ... I do not come here to get help really .. I come here to vent about my obsessions and cravings as I hope that by venting maybe it will go away and I can just be a clean individual ..

I am caught at the fork in the road ... I glamorize using again , I do not want to want that life or drug but I do and don't know how to make it go away ... I am built differently than all of you people ..


To be perfectly honest, I know you all mean well but most of you are judgmental and do not know what it is like to live with BPD and have an addiction as well... it is NOT an excuse.. my Borderline personality disorder DOES play a major part in all of this and make it harder not to be impulsive and use...