Laura , my wife knows about all of this .. she is dragging me to a meeting this morning actually .. she knows about the videos and going online to look for people to get me high and all of the dangerous game I am playing and it hurts her a lot , she tries to stop me and take the computer but I take it back .. she says I do not want help but the truth is I do , the obsession to do these things and use is controlling me and all that I do and think ...

Yes, she is an alcoholic in recovery but neither of us have a sponsor ... I have had dozens of sponsors and it never has worked ... I do not want to die nor do I want to be crazy like I was ...

The desire to use , my addiction to the lifestyle is in control of me ... and I honestly cannot seem to stop it ... I have held on and not used all this week but it really feels close ...