MK - I thank you for your thoughts of well wishes but I do not believe I am terminally unique.... It is obvious that my thinking is more complex than the average addict as all of you guys here stay clean and don't seem to go through this back and forth stuff of obsessing over using , and of not being able to stop and just embrace recovery . I do not act this way or do the things I do on purpose ... In my heart and soul I do n want to use but am addicted to the lifestyle again .... NOT terminally unique but terminally sick .

Laura - Yes, I suffer and yes I have tried to get help for my sickness ... You still have not explained what the hospital is supposed to do for me ... I have gone to the hospital before when I have had cravings and obsessions to use and they always turn me away because it is not considered a medical or psych emergency. They always tell me to see my therapist or go to rehab .. which takes time. I have been to dozens of psych hospitals and ERs and know that what I am going through will not get me in a hospital... as far as the internet connection.. I live in a tweaker building in the drug area of town so I could find drugs anywhere ... internet is not the problem ... yes, I look at vids and stuff ( because I am addicted to doing so ) - but it is not my decision to get rid of the internet because I am not the only one in my house who uses it ... plus if I really was obsessing I could go online at the library .. plus how would I get support from here ?

I am suffering badly , I do not know if I can stay clean and I know that nobody here or in life can keep me clean .. I cannot even do that , only God can .. I just pray I can hold on ... I do want a life and do not want to die but I am very sick with my addiction and really back in the middle of the storm ... I guess that is all I have right now ... I know there are others who suffer like me and do all of the triggering actions and suffer from the constant obsession ... I would like to hear from them as I can relate to them .. I cannot relate to the people who are strong in their recovery ..