To be clear - I have not made up my mind, I am struggling BADLY .... I am battling the desire/obsession to use ... to be clear - I do NOT want to use ... but my addiction tells me that I do... it is confusing , nothing is clear cut one way or another with me and my thinking ... my thinking is different and more complex than most people, and I do not expect anyone to understand it. I have taken actions to stay clean ... I have been going to meetings and talking about this obsession to use , I have been reading literature , I have been talking about it here , and I even signed up for outpatient drug treatment groups which I start today which will also include mental health therapy...

I have taken steps to get better .. the hospital as Laura suggests is not an option .... they would maybe keep for 3 days max and then I am back out with same problems I had before I went in, plus I have LOTS of experience with psych hospitals and they cannot protect you from yourself in regards to addiction ... I am not suicidal so they would not even take me .... All, that I can say is I have taken steps to stay clean ... have done my very best not to act on these desires, have prayed and gone to meetings and sought out help, and I will continue to seek out all the help I can get... If I truly CHOSE to use I would have already , instead I am fighting it the best that I know how ... I am here talking about it rather than out there slamming dope like my addict brain tells me to do ....

I do not believe that using or not using is a choice completely , and if I use I do not feel it is because I chose to, I believe in my heart and soul that addiction and using is a disease , and when you have other illnesses and diseases like I do ( ones that deal with impulsive behaviors and thoughts ) then it makes it all that much more complex and difficult not to use when the obsession comes back ... as they say in 12 step programs ... "We suffer from a mental obsession SO powerful that NO amount of human will power can break it " - Only God can break my obsession and I sure do hope and pray he does before it is too late .. because I do not know how much longer I can hold on with the obsession to use increasing by the minute ....

Thanks as always for all your support !