Exactly Lexi - you are in effect saying - okay we have both sunk as low as I am willing to go...

Time to turn the horse around and head in another direction - uphill instead of down.
Uphill is harder - requires more discipline and work but the rewards are much greater-
internally and externally...

You are right - you will undoubtedly have moments of despair and suffering ahead -
that is part of the grief process -
you can do this -
you can sit through it and it will not kill you

and you should be trying to gather a group of your best-est friends who can take your calls
and support you through this -

Thank God for friends in other time zones - on the many many nights I could not sleep
I was in chat or on the phone (& thank God for $20 long distance
in the US ...) you know - I had three friends who were willing to take my whining phone calls
- we set a time frame - 90 days of me being able to cry, complain, be sad etc... and then I had
to start to drag myself out of it -

So eventually one (AbbeyT) suggested I give myself a time limit each day - and I was allowed to be sad for
however long and then if later in the day a thought came to me or overwhelmed me I would just say to
myself - oooops - times up today - have to be sad about the tomorrow.

Sounds crazy but it worked - most of the time... Until eventually I just was getting to the end of a day
and had not spent anytime being sad or upset or even thinking about him. Yay for me!

Still working on things today - I don't think the process ever stops. I now have to practice in my relationships
how to handle things in as healthy a way as possible and also to see that the other person is doing the same.

We are raised to treat others as we would like to be treated - we have to remember the other side of that is we need also
to be treated with respect and dignity.

Be good to you Lexi.