What Lori (nineyearsclean) said really struck me, because it's really true for me, too. I also always thought I'd be really glad just to die. I was courting death all those years, really. That's what I believe. I tried to kill myself, on purpose, once before I even started using, then again before I even started using meth. But when I found "the hard stuff", like meth, I really think my attitude was "I don't care if I die".

But, when I first put down meth, I think a real moment happened there. I knew, for just a second, "WAIT, do you really want to die like this?? This is REALLY going to kill you!" I knew people who were long-term users, and I KNEW, just for an absolute fact that that would NOT be me. I would not make it for years and years. No way. I just knew I had to quit.

However, I wasn't ready to get clean (not really) quit yet then. I still drank too much (even though I didn't like booze), and smoked too much pot. It got crazy. I'm an addict. You give me Tylenol PM, and I could get addicted to that in about 10 seconds. I'd forget how to sleep without it. Anyway...that's SO not the point.

The point is, after a while, I finally understood that it wasn't meth that was going to kill me, or even just make my whole life miserable. It was me. I was so unhappy. I thought I was supposed to be having fun, or getting "mellow", relaxing. I was supposed to like pot. I sure started out liking it. But I was working myself almost into the same headspace I'd been in when I'd been on meth. It wasn't the same physical place....not in the gutter, but I was still lying, and feeling like I was a slave to my drug.

I was married. I met my husband when I was just about to quit meth. He was an ex coke-addict, so he was actually a cool person to have around. He listened, and didn't judge me. He forced me to respect his space, and not bring meth in his house. That was cool. I got a glimpse of self-respect, and wanted some for myself. That was a huge deal to me.

When I told my husband, those years later, when I wanted to quit pot and alcohol, that I thought I needed treatment, he was actually more hesitant than me. He was nervous about a big change. He had really already massively cut down his drinking. I just think he had his own issues with stuff. (Maybe I'd get "better" and think I was "too good" for him? Nonsense!! But possibly he thought that...he had a weird thing with his ex-wife actually going completely mental after going into therapy...so he was probably super nervous.)

We're both working on how to deal with all our emotions now. We both have lots of habits and ways of coping back from when we were still using or drinking. Now, when stuff gets emotional, we try to talk or communicate better. Stuff gets heated sometimes, or you know, it just needs work. But we're committed to working on it.

For me, I was the driving force behind all the action and decisions. I've definetly had help, and inspiration at every turn. But I had to make the choices.