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Posts: 1531
Jun 23 09 6:55 AM
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I co-sign much of what Star has to say with a bit of a twist on what he is thinking - ....I am giving alternative answers to Star's - not to pick apart her great comments but to give you another view as well - as this is my painful learning around your questions - some of which I have had myself- personally - I would do as Abbey did and forget having a face to face personal reckoning - I promise you he will either manipulate you and the pain will begin again in a long drawn out way or if you are lucky he will be so cold and lack remorse you will hurt more but quickly because you won't have the lie of him caring to suck you back in.... Of course I do not remember how long you were married and whether or not he was a decent man to begin with so take that lack of knowledge on my part into account - I would say if he was selfish and self centered before he began using meth then chances are that only exacerbated that part of his personality... starfishlover123 wrote: Astrild, Hi again and sorry things didn't work out too well for you. As a loved one with a similar story minus the pregnancy, (got him 'fixed' many years ago,) and just heard the poor dear is losing the house that was mine before it was his, beat me half to death, kicked me out of my own house, and moved his new bag-o-bones into my bed before the sheets were cold. . .having trouble working up any sympathy for him, . As you said, we reap what we sew. Since you asked: Is he well enough to provide any answers? That probably depends on how much damage he's done to his brain, and if indeed he has quit/abstaining because he can't afford it/is truly working recovery. Just because he has gained weight doesn't necessarily mean he quit using meth. **History does tend to repeat itself. . . BINGO - you don't have to be skinny to be a meth addict and furthermore he may be clean but have no sense of responsibility for his behaviour - because he is selfish and he doesn't care about other people - this is really hard to wrap your head around but it is completely possible. Does he feel any remorse or regret? If he does, he likely will be far too ashamed of himself to apologize, but only he knows. If he is working a recovery program, he will reach the step at which it is time to make amends, but I wouldn't be holding my breath for any apologies (I sure don't, and it's been well over two years now.) Maybe but if he seriously was working a program of recovery he will at some point WHEN HE IS READY AND ABLE come to you and make an amends - and that really is the only kind of amends that will count because it will be real - the kind you seek out will be fake - given to avoid an argument or discomfort and have no guts to them. - You want a fake I'm sorry - go find him - cause until he really is sorry and understands what he did AND feels he owes you an apology you ain't getting a real one and your pain means nothing to him - he is avoiding drama and pain from others cause he is too selfish to deal with anything but his wants and needs. Does he think about me? How could he not? Maybe not. He may be living in the moment - living in the present and not the past - he may not care - you could be another person he used and discarded and if he is that selfish (narcissistic) then he really thinks about you as much as he thinks about an empty bag of McDonalds fries.... Does he love this other woman or is he just stuck with seemingly no way out? JMHO, but I don't believe people in active addiction are capable of a true loving relationship, since their main relationship is with the drug. Everything else is just peripheral damage. But hopefully he will love his child, (if it is even his.) Ask yourself why do you care - because there is no answer you will get that will satisfy you - none. If he loves her you hurt - if he is standing by her even if he missed you - you are hurt - your problem is that your mind is focused over there on him and what he is doing instead of on your life and moving forward (sorry - I hated hearing that too but it turns out others were right and I could only see it when I could see it....) Every minute you spend in wondering about him, them and why is a minute you have lost for yourself. Why hasn't he even tried to seek me out and apologize? My best guess, humiliation and guilt for his own actions. Or he doesn't care - he only cares about himself - and I think that is unfortunately more likely. She did not win a prize obviously. Did he use meth to avoid me because he already wanted out or did it make him choose between us? An addict is an addict is an addict. I wondered the same about my ex, but what it comes down to is that he chose meth - PERIOD. I no longer feel that is any reflection upon me whatsoever (except making the poor choice of getting involved with and meshing lives with someone who had a 20-yr history with this drug - MY BAD.) Again - there is no answer here that helps you - stop it - this is not a contest between you and here - if he doesn't think you are all that and a bag of chips and he is pitting you against her for god's sake walk away - - how does it make you feel to have to feel like you need to fight for what should be naturally given to you? I can tell you mine did the same shyt and it made me feel awful - everytime I had to travel or do something in my life that was not about him he was getting "taken care of" - having someone cook, clean and to screw because I was not there to baby him - I found most of this out later and you know what - I suspected it for a long long time and it was true and it made me feel crappy and it also made me stick close and do more for him thinking I could keep him - why the hell did I want to keep that? Again - this is just another perspective based on my experience - so if it applies it applies and if not then let what I say go - but it is worth considering why you think it is acceptable to have to try and win a contest for his attention - that is not love by the way. Should I track him down and see if he will talk to me? Why would you want to do that? I can understand wanting closure, but you will likely just be letting yourself in for more pain. I'd get 9'ers opinion. She tracked her ex down after many years, and she was sorely disappointed. Personally closure is a made up thing - we feel like we are going to leave something neat and pretty - guess what - it only ends up that way in the movies. Do not track him down or if you do - be prepared for a lot of bullshyt and manipulation - he will try to make you feel sorry for him and tell a pack of lies as excuses about why he is not responsible for all this but he is real sorry - so sorry would you buy him dinner. Or he might just say - get the efff out of here - will it have been worth the time and gasoline to do this? There is nothing stupid about being in love with your husband, but it seems you are taking on so much blame. He probably did you a tremendous favor by leaving. I felt forced to leave mine since he turned from Jeckle into Hyde x 1000. He just wasn't HIM anymore. He probably had his eye (or more,) on his new chicky-poo, and I'm absolutely sure they had more in common than he and I (meth,) and since I am the type to love with my whole heart, I mourned him as if he were dead. Very wise advice from Star - pretend he is dead and move on - get a book called The Grief Recovery Handbook and use that to help you - ... Get a book by Susan Elliot called "Getting Past Your Past" and check out her blog by the same name - it is tremendous and you will find so much there that will help you. JMHO, but I wouldn't go chasing trouble. How many times would you be willing to put yourself through this scenario again? Only you can know, but life is short, and I want to be respected and happy. I know if by some bizzarro quirk of fate that I allowed the ex back into my life, I could NEVER EVER trust him again. I would always be wondering when the next shoe was going to drop again. Of course whatever you decide, we'll respect that and support you. Best wishes, and I certainly hope you just put yourself first in this equation. God Bless, Starfishy <>< God Bless you - get your mind off of him - it takes work but until you do - you will continue to live in this painful hell of the loss - and that is what it is - you are grieving losses right now and it is a horrible place to live emotionally. You are grieving the physical loss of him, the emotional loss of him and what you thought your wlife was and what you hoped it would be - you are suffering loss to self esteem because you are comparing your insides to her and her outsides and what you think she has - what she has is a nightmare - because even if she is "happy" now - think about what she just landed - Do you want a man in your life who did to another woman what this man has just done to you? Think about it - it gets easier to tell a lie or deceive others when you have done it a few times - I don't want a liar in my life.
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