Sorry I guess it would help to know where here is. I live in Waynesville, North Carolina. I found one meeting and was very uncomfortable......everyone one seemed to have (or had at some point) had problems with eachother. Was just an overall feeling of everyone thinking their issues were worse than others. I don't mean to be disrespectful and maybe it was just me.
I have been reading ya'lls posts and to be honest I don't think that anyone has worse &/or harder problems than anyone else...wheather it's our kids, spouses,, parents, or best friends, we all love them and want to be there to help when they are ready for it, but in the meantime...we need help getting through it too. Maybe I was expecting too much? You guys give me the addicts perspective and in my mind that's what I feel I need to be trying to understand right now. I have my moments, at least 2 or 3 every hour...where I want to scream, run, hit, just HURT this invisible thing that has taken my daughter. I want to lash out. I am angry damn it and it's not fair, to any of us. So what----we get to sit around and worry and cry and wonder what are they doing, is she safe, is she in jail. I see her face when I close my eyes, she tells me in my dreams that I let her down. Somehow, somewhere I went wrong with her. Now I know most of this isn't logical, and I shouldn't blame myself but I do, i even know that this isn't about me, I really know that, these are just things that go through my mind.
I have a panic/anxiety disorder and was put on medication for it, I was on the meds for 3 years and when I first started realizing the scope of the problem with Nikki, I was determined that I would come off those meds so that Nikki couldn't throw that up to me, I have been able to come off both meds...it's not easy, and my doctor has warned me that maybe it wasn't the best idea, and that I need to be ready to get back on them if the time comes that I can't maintain this control. I'm just afraid that in some messed up way, me being on medication would keep her from taking me seriously...WOW that does sound crazy. I really got on a rant, sorry but there is something to be said for putting thoughts on paper and getting feedback. Once again, in case you aren't told enough, you guys are really lifelines for a lot of us and it is so deeply appreciated. Thank you!