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Pen,
Thank you...
...I think I understand what you are saying, and I appreciate you
taking the time to try to clear the muddy water.
I'm not sure how my daughter would take the post...
...I really don't. We've talked about it before, and she
knows I spend time online in a forum such as this. I
told her before that if she were to run across them, she
may not like some of the stuff I have written and posted.
I do believe that there are parents who hold some responsibility
for their children intentionally turning to drugs. I said SOME parents...
...not all. There are children who are emotionally, mentally, physically
and even sexually abuse who turn to drugs to cope with such dysfunction.
This is very likely the truth with my own children. They suffered through
the divorce of their parents, the addiction of their father and step-mother,
and the physical abuse of their mother at the hands of their step-father.
What a mess that would be to grow up in, and learn to deal with. I know
that all this paid a MAJOR roll in my children choosing drugs. There is not
one ounce of doubt in my head about this. I'm not making excuses for them
just stating facts. I know they and they alone have the control to turn things
around.
What I've been hoping for and praying for is that someway somehow they
both will be able to over come their past.
My daughter and I have few secrets, and she knows how open I am. I
can only hope that if she were to see this she would understand my motives.
Even if at this point I may not fully understand them myself...
...I struggle with my pain, with resentment (toward her and the drug), with
a boat load of emotions every day. It's not as easy as it was once before
to put it out of my mind. Bug is a constant reminder of where my daughter is.
Now I'm rambling again...
Again, thank you for your insight and for your attempt to clear the waters here.
I NEVER intended this post to pit addicts against loved ones....NEVER!
Keep On Truckin'
Lady
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My Beautiful Meth Addicted Daughter!
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 LdyOfWzdm |
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Posts: 787 (07/02/08 07:19:42) |
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LdyOfWzdm |
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Posts: 788 (07/02/08 07:30:00) |
I'm going to take Bug to the park, and spend some special time with her, and clear my head.
Everyone have a beautiful blessed day! Keep On Truckin' Lady |
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Penel0pe |
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Posts: 7066 (07/02/08 07:40:52) Moderator |
I actually didn't see it as you trying to pit addicts against loved ones - I don't think phoenix was trying to do that, either.
It just happens here sometimes, and really, I think Eve was the one who kinda saw that coming. We're all in this together - sucks, but it is what it is, right? All we can do is the best we can, every day. I agree about one thing, though... You said: I'm not making excuses for them just stating facts. I know they and they alone have the control to turn things around. As an addict myself, I can honestly say this - I started using drugs for one reason, and kept using for another. All of the sh*tty things I did when I was out there, I did when I was half out of my mind - I wasn't thinking straight, my mind was saturated in meth and a lot of other drugs... But now that I am NOT loaded all the time, if I don't "Own" that stuff, it would be way too easy to just say, "Wasn't me, it was the drugs!" If I do that, I'm still acting like I did when I was actively using - blaming everyone and everything but myself for what I've done. I can't afford to do that - if I'm gonna live an honest life today, I have to be honest about what I did in the past. I have to own all of it - I used the drugs, which messed up my thinking, and I ended up doing some really, really awful things. The meth didn't do that stuff - I did it. The meth twisted my brain up enough that I got myself in a state of mind that I COULD act the way that I did... but it was me, can't deny that. If I deny that now, that might give me an out to do something sh*tty today, and maybe blame the cops, or my employer, or Paul, or "The System..." Like I said, I started using for one reason, and kept using for another. None of that is an excuse for the stuff I did. It helps me understand how I let myself get so depraved, though. Knowing that helps me stay clean. I don't wanna be THAT penelope ever again. Wrong is wrong. If I admit that today, I have a better idea about what "Wrong" means, about what "Wrong" means for me and how I act when I do "Wrong..." And knowing that helps me act right. Not all the time - it takes daily effort - but I know that when things go wrong in my head, it's really bad. The meth just brought it out and allowed me to act on it without any guilt. |
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motherglory |
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Posts: 301 (07/02/08 08:13:29) |
I guess one thing that really got to me when Lee came home for his trial visit. He never would say doing drugs was wrong or harmful. He talked like he had to
quit because everyone else was crazy and didn't know how great it was. So now he was forced to give up something he loved in order to live with the rest
of us normals.
Wrong is wrong as I read awhile ago. And anything that makes you not give a dam about the ones who love you and are suffering because of your addiction and whom the addict depends on for comforts of daily living. Well it is wrong. My son is a grown man. Well past my responsibility. He was not abused. He was not deprived. He never went hungry and he never when without good clothes or medical care as long as he was within my care. Since being a addict he has been clod and hungry and sick. And often I could not help him because he acted like his problems were my fault. I was suppost to still take care of him and keep my mouth shut about his devient lifestyle. I still since anger in him even now and I told him he is on his own. I did nothing wrong to him. He destroyed his own life. I won't even blame his real dad. He left and he never did anything bad to the kids. It was me he abused. I guess because he is a grown man, he thinks he can come home and boss me around in my home just because. Well when he works and buys the grogerys and pays the bills, he might have some sayso somewhere. But I don't care how old he is. Here in my home, there are some basic respect rules. I won't live anyother way no more. These months without him torturing me and the family have been good. I am ready to live from now on without him and his addictive and abusive ways. My son is gone. Meth took him away a long time ago. And his son is now my son. I could never just hand a child over to him just because he is the dad. The only thing he has ever done for the child is to fuss at him. And Thank God the child is nothing like him. My husband had to delay his retirement because I was so far in debt with credit cards where I spent years trying to fix everything for Lee. I will have everything paid off in two years. Lee would never belive over half of that money was on him and his frist wife. Yeah I guess I let him torture me. But no more. My terms are to much for him. I have to love him for the child he was and love him at a distance. Even clean I can not live with his pissy attitude and I won't. God bless you all. My grandkids are outside playing. My life is peaceful now gloria |
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Penel0pe |
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Posts: 7069 (07/02/08 08:29:21) Moderator |
I wouldn't put up with it either, Gloria. No one deserves that.
To me that's the difference between someone in recovery, and someone who just quit doing drugs. "Recovery" to me means changing everything about my life, which STARTS when I stopped getting high, and after that, takes a daily effort at changing my attitude, the way I operate in the world, the way I treat other people (Can't expect other people to treat me with any respect if I treat them like dirt,) and just getting my act together in general. If I didn't learn some other way to cope with my life when the drugs went away... I think I'd be more of a jerk than I am already... and I can be a jerk, trust me on that. There's no reason to take crap from ANYONE, addict or not. Life's too short. |
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nineyearsclean |
Butterfly said: "We all make choices & sometimes we have to live with the outcome of them too. You can stop!" | ||
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Posts: 7817 (07/02/08 11:40:26) Best Friend to KCI |
Ummmmm...........well, see.............I was convinced that the only way to stop was to die. I did not believe that I could ever in a million years stop using
meth and live. Only when I arrived in the rooms of N.A. and met others who had kicked it and gone on to live without it did I begin to think that maybe, just
maybe I could too. I was very skeptical about that, but I had to try.
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nineyearsclean |
I have to own all of it - I used the drugs, which messed up my thinking, and I ended up doing some really, really awful things. | ||
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Posts: 7818 (07/02/08 11:54:28) Best Friend to KCI |
Ditto.
One of the first things I learned in recovery was to erase the word "blame" from my vocabulary, and I'll tell you straight up: I had a shitty, shitty childhood. ALOT of verbal and mental abuse aimed at me and nobody else. I had the lowest self-esteem in the history of the world by the time I became a young adult. I could do nothing right, or good enough. BUT, I had to learn to own my addiction and everything that happened to me and my life and the lives of those around me because of my addiction before I could get well. Period. |
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 keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 386 (07/02/08 12:33:29) |
Mother Glory,
I don't know what happened with Lee -- but from what I can gather from your posts it sounds like he isn't treating you well. Sounds like his attitude still sucks - just minus the drugs. I am sorry. I fear that with Brett too. For the most part he has been humble. But, his selfish/angry side rears it's ugly head sometimes. You should not have to deal with being disrespected. No way. I won't either. I am really sorry that you're going through this with Lee. I know you had such high hopes. Then in his pictures he looked so good. It's so dissapointing when they go back to the attitude. I agree with Penelope -- true recovery is changing on the INSIDE too. Not just not using. Grasping that humility that imho is 100% necessary to be successful in recovery. I pray that you get some peace. And, that something inside of Lee clicks and he "gets it". I read how he was putting on all his old piercings, etc. Calling old buddies. When I met Brett he had the earrings, tongue ring, pierced eyebrow. And, honestly, I liked some of that. I didn't realize how much that was a part of his "druggie self" though. Because the closer we got he quit wearing all of that stuff. I wondered why but never said anything. I remember one of his old friends came into town and he wanted me to meet them. He made a beeline to the head shop to buy a new tongue ring, new earrings, new eyebrow ring. He had to put on his old "self" so he would feel acceptable and "cool" around his old (druggie) friend. I have learned that is a big red flag. When he starts wanting to look flashy, with all his piercings, etc. Even though I thought some of it was cool --- it's a part of his "old self". Just wearing all that stuff reminds him of the old Brett. Anyway, I agree you should not have to be disrespected. And, please don't feel guilty for demanding he respect you. They know how to put the guilt trip on us loved ones. God bless, Susan
Last Edited By: keepitsimpleforme
07/02/08 12:40:20.
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motherglory |
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Posts: 302 (07/02/08 16:58:39) |
I refuse to let him make me feel guilty anymore. I wasn't a great mother but I was a good one. I raised his sister, and she is nothing like him. I am
raising his son, and he is nothing like him.
I don't think he is willing to give it all up. He put in all his pearcings because of seeing friends. But what I want or need is still last on his list. I have had the frist peace in my life these months he has been away, in 15 years. Its either or, because I wont accept anything but 100% change. He was humble on the phone all year while someone was listening. But I didn't see that while he was home. He says he is a man and don't need my interfearence in his life. Well he can be a man without my money to. He told me I lived with my mom and dad when I was his age. I did. But I had two small children and I worked everyday. And I payed my shared of the bills and grocerys. I also respected my mothers wishes in her home. God bless you all gloria |
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le grumps |
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Posts: 3603 (07/02/08 17:13:13) Forum Grouch |
I learned a lot from this thread.
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lax2 |
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Posts: 2458 (07/02/08 17:38:24) Forum Friend |
What Did U learn Grumps?????? Do tell...Please.
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LdyOfWzdm |
The two most important people in my life! | ||
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Posts: 789 (07/02/08 20:24:52) |
This picute was taken in April...
...these are the two most important people in my life. I love them both dearly, and I want nothing more than for them to be together. 
Perhaps this is the photo I should have posted instead of my daughter's mug shots. This is my Beautiful girls.
Last Edited By: LdyOfWzdm
07/02/08 20:27:41.
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lax2 |
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Posts: 2459 (07/02/08 21:25:33) Forum Friend |
Yeah... Thats a Nice picture, I agree. I sure hope she comes around soon. Lady, there is nothing I'd like for you and Bug More than to have your daughter
get fed up with what Meth is doing to her & begin to recovery. I 'm wishing and Hoping for what is best for all of you.
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 390 (07/03/08 04:55:36) |
Bug it so cute in that pic!
Yeah, I like that pic better. |
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 391 (07/03/08 04:57:15) |
Well he can be a man without my money too.
Last Edited By: keepitsimpleforme
07/03/08 05:00:18.
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Hurting for YOU |
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Posts: 692 (07/03/08 05:42:30) |
Berta..........that is a really sweet picture..........thanks for sharing it with us!
Hugs, Katie |
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Penel0pe |
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Posts: 7077 (07/03/08 09:54:02) Moderator |
I have a lot of friends who would NEVER get through airport security without spending at least a half hour in the bathroom, taking out their jewelry first...
and they haven't gotten loaded for YEARS
I personally only have three piercings.... and yeah, they're in my ears. I kinda worry when my friends take their piercings out... 
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