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The most important thing is to play the tape in your head all the way through to the end. Remember why you wanted to stop to begin with, remember how horrible it had become, remember how desperate you were to get off the stuff. Most important of all remember this--what you are experiencing is called euphoric recall. You are remembering a lie basically. Life wasn't good at the end of your last run. It was all fun and good times. Your mind may tell you it wasn't that bad but that's your addiction talking. This is why abstinence alone doesn't work. You need something else in your life to keep you clean. That's why NA and AA are there, so help the addict learn to be a part of society again. To identify with regular people instead of the druggie crowd. To learn new coping skills, new ways of looking at a situation, new friends, new things to keep busy, it's all about shedding that old identity. In order for me to get clean and stay clean I had to discard my old identity in order to gain a new one that I'm so happy with. I needed numerous resources for me to get clean and stay clean. Outpatient treatment where I saw a drug counselor one on one and I participated in group therapy, acupuncture for cravings and stress, domestic violence counseling and support groups to help me leave my ex who was very toxic for me, ending a toxic relationship with my ex, ending friendships with not only addicts but others that had drama chaos filled lives, attending AA and getting a sponsor and working the steps, going back to school, getting out of the adult entertainment industry, getting a regular job where I use my brain instead of my body, changing my diet, seeing a regular therapist one on one, getting on antidepressants to avoid having a mental health relapse because that leads to a drug relapse because I end up trying to self medicate to feel better, exercising, online support, getting help for my codependency, keeping a schedule, having a good support system, and much more.

See I found myself pregnant and strung out on crack and heroin. I had just gotten on methadone for my heroin addiction but I was still using the other stuff early on in my pregnancy. I knew I had to get clean because it wasn't fair to my unborn child. Plus I was embarassed that I was pregnant and kept getting dirty UA's and felt like the lowest person on the face of this earth. So I started attending a group that dealt with crack addiction among methadone patients. I applied myself and stopped using. I had a really good drug counselor that I saw every week. It was rough at first but I kept moving forward. In the beginning it was hard to feel any kind of pleasure and I often wanted to lay around in front of the t.v. but my family wouldn't let me--thank god. They would drag me out and in the end I always had a good time and was thankful they got me out of the house. I found out that inability to feel pleasure is extremely common. Once I started getting help and support from many different people and agencies I became more accountable. I had a lot of people involved in my care. I told them I needed help and took it when they offered it to me instead of insisting on doing it my way. I swear that without help I don't know if I would be here today. I just finished spring quarter at school and I'm a 4.0 student. I start summer school next week. I'm very focused on getting my education. I'm working on my 9th steps in AA with my sponsor. I have a wonderful boyfriend who has never used drugs and doesn't drink alcohol. Life is going really well. It can for you too but you have to put forth the effort to make it happen. Its tough at times but always worth it. Ask for some help, seek out some help, let it work for you. Good luck. We can get sober and we can live lives we never ever though possible. Work hard for it and it will happen.

Thunderkiss