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It's been awhile since i've felt this way. My husband (who does not live with me) came to the house. He's been in recovery since December 2007. I am so mad!!! He is now outside with a "friend" from the old days. You can only tell the guy is strung out. What the hell? what do i do? I don't believe he's using, but this brings up alot of bad memories and I dont know what more to do. please help. My kids were outside playing, i told them to come in, but i think i'm going to tell him that I don't want his friends here. This is MY HOUSE! what do you think?
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I NEED INPUT!!!
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 vidaloca321 |
I NEED INPUT!!! |
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Posts: 35 (06/10/08 17:09:02) |
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Loraura |
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Posts: 7085 (06/10/08 17:12:57) Moderator |
Well, putting all fear aside about what COULD happen I think you're perfectly within your rights to call your kids in if someone you suspect is using drugs
is outside your house.
Regarding your husband, well, his choices are his to make. You can tell him you draw a line, if indeed you do, and won't stand for drug users hanging around. Then see what his choice is. Keep in mind he can't control another person entirely. He can't prevent the guy from coming over. But he can say "Nice seeing ya, but I gatta go" and remove himself from the situation. That's the choice I'd be interested in seeing from him, if I were you. |
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1tamtom |
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Posts: 726 (06/10/08 17:15:23) |
your house your rules! he may be trying to help the guy though.
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chrisgonz |
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Posts: 343 (06/10/08 21:30:08) |
Your home, your rules. For sure!!
It does utlimately have to be his decision who he chooses to be friends with. Tom's thought makes me wonder WHY is he still friends with someone involved with dope?? hmmmm. That's when set rules would come in handy. |
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vidaloca321 |
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Posts: 36 (06/11/08 05:48:21) |
I told him that I had to THINK. he ended up telling the guy that he couldn't take him and wanted to come back in. that's when I told him I had to
think. He may be in "recovery" but I know that I got blamed for him not being able to take him. I can hear it already, "Hey man, the old
lady's pissed so I can't take you". I get so angry, because he BLAMES me for everything!!! And I'm tired of it. I mean, I am his excuse for
not being able to go "hang" out with old buddies (in the past) or not being able to be message "acquantances" from rehab (which are women).
Why do I have to be the excuse? Is this normal?
I still have a lot of work to do on myself. I don't know why this is acceptable behavior for me. Actually, it's not acceptable behaviour for me, I just don't know what to do about it. Well, I do know what I have to do. . . just hard to do it. it makes me wonder WHY too. He's supposed to be in "recovery" but. . . well, personally, I see the "Old him" coming back. The "old way" of thinking. |
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Loraura |
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Posts: 7090 (06/11/08 05:57:40) Moderator |
Well, the alternative to being blamed for everything, is telling him to do whatever he thinks is best, and that you will do the same.
If his best decisions conflict with yours, then you'll know what your options are. |
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vidaloca321 |
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Posts: 37 (06/11/08 06:02:17) |
I spoke with a fellow AlAnon member last night and she said the same. I'm going to tell him that I need time to myself to work my recovery. I just feel
like I go in circles. thanks
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 319 (06/11/08 07:11:48) |
If he is not "living with you" -- I assume you guys are separated? Or you threw him out for using? I know - I've done it! You have every right
to maintain your home how you see fit. Let his choices (friends, etc.) be HIS choice. You are not obligated to agree with his choices.
I have HUGE issues with past drug buddies coming around. Ain't gonna happen when Brett comes home. If his old drug buddies need a ride - go elsewhere. If they want help -- meet us at the meeting on Friday night. If I had been in that situation I would've said "I don't care if you take him somewhere or not. But, don't come back here afterwards". Someone in recovery has no business still hanging out with old drug connections. Depending on how long your husband has been in recovery --- THAT will tell whether or not he is ABLE or EQUIPPED to help anybody still using. Otherwise --- it's a trigger. And old saying is --- it's easier for someone to drag you down than for you to pull them up. Stand on a chair and ask a friend to hold your hand -- then you try to pull them up. Ask them to try and pull you down off the chair. Guarantee you will fall off that chair before you can pull them up there with you. Is he going to meetings? Church? Out-patient? What's he doing to maintain his sobriety? I also have HUGE issues with him talking to other women. I really don't care if it's from rehab or not. Adultery Prevention
Last Edited By: keepitsimpleforme
06/11/08 07:25:49.
Edited 3 times.
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JamieJ1979 |
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Posts: 901 (06/11/08 08:01:05) |
No it's not normal to blame others in recovery. Recovery is all about being honest and taking responsibility for your actions or lack of action in some
cases. You guy may say he's in recovery but he doesn't appear to be walking the walk. People that are serious about their sobriety don't hang out
with user's period! There is absolutely no reason to interact with people that use once your are clean. None at all. This is how relapse starts. People
start talking to old friends or new friends that are known to use, they don't live recovery-they only talk about it, they blame others, etc etc. Actions
speak louder than words and his actions are telling me that he is either using now or very close to using again. Regardless of his intentions he shouldn't
have addicts to your house especially when there are children involved. Jamie PS. I've been there and done that with me ex. I finally cut ties March 07 and
I couldn't be happier. He's still using and living life on the streets. I refuse to allow him to have any contact with our son while he's in this
condition. When my son was younger I tried to take him to see his dad and I would pay for lunch and let him hold him and stuff but he always ended up trying to
work me for money and whatnot. Plus I realized it's not healthy for my son to see his dad like that even if he is supposedly not high during our visits. He
hasn't seen his son in many many months now. His family backs me completely on this and they are very involved in my son's life.
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vidaloca321 |
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Posts: 38 (06/11/08 08:12:05) |
In response to keepitsimpleforme:
I did kick him out for using back in September, 2007. We are legally separated (which was finalized in April). He went to rehab in Jan, 2008. was there for 30 days. He came out, knowing what he needed to do (staying away from old friends, attending meetings, started going to church). he now goes to 2 meetings a week. goes to outpatient once every 2 weeks. he could go to more, don't know why he doesn't. I don't ask. I don't feel like it's my place. I guess I was having the "old feelings" of hurt and anger come back when I saw him talking to the acquantance. I know that I can't control what he does. But I see him slippin into old ways and sometimes i just feel like slappin him upside the head and tellin him, DO YOU STILL NOT GET IT? But, alas, I know that it isn't my job. It's his recovery, and I know that, just hard to not feel this way. And about the women. It's sad, cuz, I know, deep in my heart when he got the text from the "friend from rehab" (who happened to be a woman) that he lied to me. I asked him how she had gotten his #, he said he didn't know, when I already knew the answer to that. She said that he had given it to her. I"m tired, tired tired. Of his lies, of the situation I have allowed myself to be in. Sad to say that I expect him to cheat on me, I guess it wouldn't be a surprise, something else to add to the list. He is selfish and cares about no one else but himself. He even put up his status on a webpage as "tired of getting kicked out" and he was pissed off. Funny how he doesn't see anything wrong with what he did. I've seen the change in his attitude over the last couple of weeks. Oh well, i'm rambling now. I need to get my crap together. I got 3 kids to think about. |
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 321 (06/11/08 08:22:18) |
tired of getting kicked out
Yep. Brett used to say the SAME THING. He berated me all the time for kicking him out. Well, quit using and I won't have to. 
Also, sometimes it's not even the using -- it's his mouth and the way he treats me. I'm not standing for it. He has to not only get sober --- but learn how to treat people with RESPECT. He acted like I threw him out for spitting. Wrong. The times I did tell him to leave he was high. And, abusive. It's so hard. I feel for you. I've btdt and may be there again. Having to kick my husband out. 
On his last binge he called all the time from women's cell phones. Pissed me off and I told him so. I also called the women adn told THEM too! 
All you can do is take care of yourself. Hope and pray for the best and try to prepare for the worst. I pray alot. If Brett doesn't make it this time --- he will NOT be in my life. Not the way he was. No way. It is so disrespectful for a husband to be hanging out with, talking to, texting with other women. SO DISRESPECTFUL. And, no, he does NOT need to be hanging out with past drug connections. You just have to stand your ground. Brett broke me down more than once --- it wasn't until I took everyone's advice on here and stopped listening to his bs and stopped all contact. He started hitting that bottom then. His parents were on the verge of throwing him out too. If you talk to him --- I'd tell him you see a "change" and feel it's not good for you two to be talking right now. Your advice to him is to go to more meetings. His choice if he does it or not. Sobriety is something you have to nurture and maintain. Sounds like he could be doing a heck of alot more. Especially since he's now putting himself in triggering situations. And, do NOT let him put the blame on you. That's another HUGE aspect of TRUE recovery. Accountability. Does he have an accountability partner? Someone who will call him on his bs? If not -- I'd suggest he get one. Quick. Before he loses his wife/family. Something that really got to me this last time was how Brett got SO defensive about his drug buddies. He'd get mad if I talked bad about them. That burned me up. He's out using with these people --- some women --- but I'm not supposed to get angry??? His wife and mother of his child? Don't think so! Anger can be a good motivator sometimes. I know it was with me this last time. Helped me to have no contact when I couldn't before (because I let him guilt me into talking to him/taking him back) PM me if you ever need to talk. 
Susan
Last Edited By: keepitsimpleforme
06/11/08 08:29:28.
Edited 4 times.
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cleanandserene |
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Posts: 1423 (06/11/08 14:33:30) Forum Friend |
what ever you let an addict do to you they will do to you
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Paws from hell |
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Posts: 925 (06/11/08 15:01:05) |
I need to get my crap together. I got 3 kids to think about.
Your own words, best advice I've seen . Simple.. like in any life situation ... Rules are given if they are not followed or bent there are consequences to experience. Your House, you Rule.. period.. |
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vidaloca321 |
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Posts: 39 (06/12/08 07:59:49) |
I want to thank you all for your words of encouragement/advice. I haven't spoken with him since, I am going to write him and tell him that I need time to
myself (for my own recovery). He doesn't "get" why i'm upset (he wrote my sister). I have to wonder if he really doesn't "get
it" or if he just doesn't want to. I don't know, and I guess my question is: Do I explain to him why I'm doing this now? Why I got upset? Do I
explain to him that I've seen him "slipping" into his old ways again? Or am I overstepping my boundaries?
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TenderheartsKS |
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Posts: 1680 (06/12/08 16:46:18) Moderator |
Whether you explain or not is up to you. I used to have a terrible time feeling I had to explain everything that I did. I try really hard not to do that
anymore.
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no more mething around |
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Posts: 1271 (06/12/08 17:03:55) Forum Friend |
Yeah.
Last Edited By: no more mething around
06/12/08 17:16:51.
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FSOAB |
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Posts: 1432 (06/12/08 18:02:50) Forum Friend |
I could not agree with no more mething around more. If there is smoke give them the hose! Go with your gut... Believe in yourself, your children depend on that.
Last Edited By: FSOAB
06/12/08 18:08:42.
Edited 1 times.
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forget suzette |
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Posts: 14484 (06/12/08 18:34:50) Retro Space Cadet |
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forget suzette |
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Posts: 14485 (06/12/08 18:39:30) Retro Space Cadet |
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forget suzette |
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Posts: 14486 (06/12/08 18:42:38) Retro Space Cadet |
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FSOAB |
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Posts: 1433 (06/12/08 19:20:40) Forum Friend |
My children and I have a right to a fresh start. I like it.
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