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Oh, Suzie, I am sorry that you are getting angry PMs.......

After I posted las night , I kept thinking about this thread.....
And I said to myself....Silly Girl.......
*If you can't take it any longer, then just stop reading The Threads that Pertain*
....and then as I continued to think about Things, I even thought ....
.....Yowzers! It almost feels like a Mole Situation....or Troll.....whatever those sorts are called.........

So here I sit with my Morning Coffee and of course I go to this thread.......first .........I just HAD to peek............
And I see Caligirlsyd video and now YET ANOTHER feeling surfaces......
.......and I am transfered back to a personal experience that relates to This Thread...

That experience was A Crossroad for me......
.....A Critical Juncture.......an Epiphany , if you will..........
And I don't think that I quite understood The Significance of that Personal Moment until just this morning, after viewing that video.....
....in this thread..........

I will try to be brief and to the point......

My name is Roxi.
I used meth for 10 years, from age 40 to age 50.
I have been incarcerated 4 times.
I have been to inpatient treatment once for 30 daze....and I have been through 3 other outpatient treatment programs.
We had a lovely Farm......with Children, Dogs, Cats , Chickens , Ducks, Salamanders, Flowers, Oak Trees, A Big Burn Pile, Raspberries, Mullberries,
......Blankets , Quilts , Dishes.......I had EVERYTHING a Girl could ever hope for........everything........
......except freedom from addiction.

......and well, as they say *Play....you Pay*........and *Don't do The Crime ...if you can't do The Time*.....
And so Off to Jail I went.
I was pretty sad just before I had gone in....my children were old enough to have fled the coop....not Really Old enough...
But They Flew anyway.....
So now Our Lovely Farm was starting to feel Empty and Sad....
But it was Still Home...and I still had Visions of Future Times.....Without Dope....I clung to Dreams
I Lived in Fantasy .....Fruitlessly Waiting for The Children to Come back.....
...we would show Them....we could Start Over......please come back....I would sit by the window and think.....and sigh......

I KNEW that I had to Change.
I KNEW that I had to Choose.
I KNEW that I was Done.
I KNEW that I could pull this Quitting Meth off.....

And so it was Off to Jail for those 6 months.....
I felt kind of Free Already......cuz I KNEW!
I was going to Get Through This and Get Back to Our Lovely Farm and Show Those Kids that I COULD DO THIS!!!

But what I found was .....While I could control MY Actions, I could NOT Control Anybody Elses Actions......
And while I was In The Big House......SOMEbody just kept on using meth in my house...on my farm....even tho I was SO Sad and SO
Incarcerated.....Anybody did not Care and Everybody just kept Killing Themselves at my Lovely Farm....

And when The Law came busting through the door....
This Time , it was The Big One....and The Law found what they had been looking for and They took my husband Away....
He is still Gone, *Safe* in Prison....but Gone from us......
And since he was gone......

Some of The People got Real Mad.
And for whatever reasons those People who were Mad...
Well those people Trashed my Home....with a Capital T......TRASHED....
And took what they wanted and broke the rest.....

They broke all my windows....all my dishes ...most of my cats ....
....They threw my quilts and blankets out of the upstairs windows....they sold all of my metal parts.....piled up my kid's artwork.....
Let me tell you What.....Those Angry People wreaked Havoc !!

So when I got out of Jail ....my Family Pleaded with me.....*Don't Go Back*
*Nothing is Left*
*You don't want to see it like that*
*You will get so Angry*
*Mom.......don't go......*

But of course.....I just HAD to peek........
I made them drop me off......*I WANT TO BE ALONE!!!!*

I walked through that door...
And Took it Straight in The Heart.
I Looked my Past Right Squarely in the Eye.
I Faced my Fear.
I collapsed in my husband's Chair and Sobbed.

I fell asleep , in my husband's Chair.....and I Slept as if I were sleeping my Last Sleep....
Even the noise of The Big Machine just outside the door did not wake me up.....
The Big Machine was digging a Big Hole.....a Grave for my Lovely House.
They said I would be OK ....that they would wait until that day was over before they put my house out of its Misery....
Before they Knocked my House off its Block and Buried it in The Big Hole.....

They let me say Good by.
And so soon it was Dusk.
And The Color of Angels was Streaming down through the trees...
And it was time to go.

The epiphany was this.....
When I woke up from that Last Sleep , and opened my eyes ....and remembered where i was....and saw the Chaos and Giant Mess
I realized that I was NOT Mad at all....
I realized that whomever had done this for Whatever Reasons.....
Somebody had done me A HUGE Favor.....
I felt as if my Karmic Debt had a HUGE Chunk Paid off........
I could almost hear the Glass Shattering.....
....with each swipe of the bat that they used....each bottle smashing to the ground....well it was really like music....
Like a thousand crystaline bells dancing upon an alpine lake shore....
Really , it was music to my soul.....
I was not mad....not really even sad.....
I was just plain relieved that I could recognize my Personal Growth.

So I got up, shook the dust off...walked out that door and I never looked back.

My family waited for me ....like .....*Are You OK?* and *Why are you SO calm...?*

.........*stops and takes a breath and realizes that one is off on yet ANOTHER Tangent*.............
.........and will sign off for now, just hoping and wishing that we can all recognize Personal Growth and move on.

.....and YES, DANIMAL, WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS!

PEACE and Love YOUR WAY.
Sincerely, smile