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every time i did meth. it took a little tiny piece of me. mentally physically and emotionally i suppose. pieces so small i didnt even notice they were gone. at least not for years. and when i did start noticing things. i just chalked it up to coming down.
i didnt realize it was changing me. i didnt know i was destroying my natural ability to enjoy life. i just knew when i was down. i was tired and life was dull. and as soon as i got high. everything would be interesting and exciting again.
and you know thats not why i started using meth. because i enjoyed my life. but meth took it to another level. a level i couldnt comprehend straight. and a level i didnt want to leave once i got their.
its a pretty dark thing that can take a happy man. and make him unsatisfied with that happiness. that would make him turn his back on everything that he knew was good and true. to do something he knew he shouldnt be doing.
but thats what i did. and i did it for the sole purpose of the buzz it gave me.
and all those little pieces it took for all those years. had i known in the beginning it was taking them. i might have thought they were worth the sacrifice. after all i was willing to sacrifice everything else for it.
but the thing is i didnt know. and i didnt find out until i got clean. and it was a rude awakening to say the least.
i really dont know anything about the chemicals in our minds and how they work. other then what i have read. but that pretty well hit the nail on the head as far as what i have went through.
looking back. it was kinda like every time i loaded the pipe. i put a little bit of my natural ability to feel good in their too. then in true addict form. smoked it up. and i think when i quit. my natural ability was all gone. a constant flow of meth couldnt even make me feel good.
and after i had quit. i couldnt feel anything but pain. no it wasnt pain. i was just empty. no joy, no happiness, no desire, no nothing. just me and my memories of what i had done. i cant put into words what that felt like. but i dont have to for those of you who have been their.
its been a little over 3 years since i last used meth. and i still suffer form the effects of my using. its only been in the last 8 months or so that things have really gotten better.
whether thats was the appropriate time span for me or not. i dont know. all i know is that was how long it took me to get here. lack of motivation is the most disturbing lingering effect of my addiction. but even that is finely getting better.
really all in all. things are pretty good today. as Joel says i am in a new season. a season in which i am to grow new pieces. to replace the ones i lost.
Greg
