So sad, So lost without Meth

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Robby99.bpdsanctuary	So sad, So lost without Meth	Lead	[-]
Posts: 64 (05/19/08 20:11:04) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I am back whining again, sorry guys but have no where else to turn ( or rant ) , I feel like using so bad right now, So bad it hurts, I am crying because there is none where I am ( thank God ).. I have 84 days clean and sober but feel so bad right now - thinking about my Meth days and wanting to feel part of that Gay culture again, to live that life again; even with all the bad @@%# that happened to me I miss it, I miss it so damn much. I did nothing but drugs for 15 years so now without them I truly feel lost, and bored. I know that I will die if I use again, I know I could lose it all again but my brain is telling me 'one more time' Thanks for listening if you did..
mr soul shine		#1	[-]
Posts: 373 (05/19/08 20:14:58) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	no problem dude. I miss my meth life too. It's just best to not reminisnce about the good times. If you must think about the past, every time a positive pops in your head, replace it with the negatives. Do whatever you gotta do to fool your mind. Now boredom, there are so many things in l ife to do, you should never be bored if you are by yourself. You can do whatever you want as long as it doesn't hurt people, yourself or doesn't pertain to drugs. The ideas are endless. If you gotta, start swinging or something. just don't use and don't infatuate yourself with the using.
oaklandathletic		#2	[-]
Posts: 97 (05/19/08 20:52:57) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	What the heck do you miss??? The being spun out of your gourd?? The crash when you come down?? The grinding of your teeth till your jaw aches??? the paranoia of tweeking?? the pounding of your heart as its trys to keep up ith the extra beats??? the sweating and smelling like chemicals???....Nope ....no thanks ...I don't miss that crap for nothing........It stopped working for me after a few times....Then it took more and more......And thank god I don't hang around with those methheads anymore.......they are sure spun out of thier minds...... I don't miss it at all...............
Robby99.bpdsanctuary		#3	[-]
Posts: 65 (05/19/08 21:06:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I miss escaping me , I miss the sex that I cannot have sober, I miss it - I cannot explain.. Feelings are feelings, people do not choose how to feel , they just feel it. I do not want to miss it, But I do. We are all different, I am happy for you that you do not miss it- that will save your life as my missing it could kill me..
forget suzette		#4	[-]
Posts: 14272 (05/19/08 21:11:01) Retro Space Cadet Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	we know how ya feel... .....you gotta� give it more time. you'll be a better man for it, Once you overcome your addiction, you know you can overcome all things. The impossible becomes possible. The undoable, doable. The unmanageable, manageable. Overcoming an addiction even eases the process of releasing our addiction to life at the time of our death. In the process of overcoming addiction, you can learn discipline, self-confidence, humility, appreciation, self-love, and forgiveness. Important lessons, these.
forget suzette		#5	[-]
Posts: 14273 (05/19/08 21:23:20) Retro Space Cadet Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	once you have to quit robbie...once you decide, "I'm insane and I cant keep up with my habit..." ...it's never the same again you will pick up EXACTLY where you left off. ....you don't get to start over or nuthin' it's a new game now. your brain tells you, you'll be happy, remember when you were flying? ....every relapse you see on this board, on others. and in person.....you come back with a chunk missing. ......ask anyone who goes back if they had a good time....they never do...I always ask, in hopes SOMEBODY has a good time! it's gonna do YOU.....you are'nt gonna do IT. ....it's turns into a carnival of horror, and you wanna scrub your fuking brain it gets so packed with bad feelings...every corner you turn in your mind is so ugly the longer you go.... ......and you don't QUITE bounce all the way back again. THIS is gonna look like your golden years, if you go on another run. .....every single time I fell back, I came up with a little less. I started out with nothing, and I'm proud to say, I got most of it left.
lynne		#6	[-]
Posts: 205 (05/19/08 21:38:34) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	part of your problem could be the uphill battle of living in a foreign country. i lived overseas and many times felt lost and lonely. the only thing easier about you being in latin america is the lack of meth. otherwise you are on a tough road and if you are in the hinterlands, that's even harder not having a lot of activities to keep you busy, and thus happier. you might be unhappy because of your isolation, language barrier etc. do you work? learn spanish, most useful now in america's job market. teach english to stay busy. being very busy is an excellent cure against addictions. train for a marathon, make plans. use your time. you may not end up there forever and may have to plan how you would manage a life in the usa again, where there is meth.
Penel0pe		#7	[-]
Posts: 6624 (05/19/08 21:52:32) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	It takes a while before you start to feel human, it just does. Maybe it's a good thing you don't have access to any meth where you are, it will give you the opportunity to take a look at the reality of your situation, come to accept things for what they are, and if you are able to do that, you may even find that you become willing to work with your life as it is NOW, and stop living in the past. Lingering in the past is causing you a great deal of misery in the present. You can't change the way you feel, no, but you can change the way you think, and you can change the things you do... which, in turn, may have an effect on the way you feel about a lot of things down the road once you have done a bit more emotional healing. Hopefully no one lied and said this was going to be easy, I honestly don't know too many people who can say that staying clean has been easy for them - at least not in the beginning. If you just put one foot in front of the other, start living in the present and try to do what you can to make the best of the day you are living, and try to remember why you stopped using in the first place, you may be able to put things into perspective. "Euphoric Recall" of the "Good Old Days" can be the path back to hell for a lot of people - addiction has a way of making some folks forget about all the negative parts, and glorify the few things that were good. You must have stopped using for SOME reason. You may miss your old life, but you have a lot of living left to do, God willing. Why spend it wallowing in the past when you could be spending your time making the best of each day you have left? Think about why you stopped using. Why did you stop using, Robby?
luvepiphany		#8	[-]
Posts: 7605 (05/20/08 04:39:00) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Robby, yes, why did you choose to get clean and free of meth? Maybe a list of the hellish horrifying shyt..... how about instead of what's been good about it all, the BAD? luv
luvepiphany		#9	[-]
Posts: 7607 (05/20/08 05:06:00) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	this is for you Robby. It's the most inspiring awesome medicine I could think of for you. http://www.wretch.cc/video/ritahsia&func=single&vid=2282608&rpage=22&p=0 luv
le grumps		#10	[-]
Posts: 3430 (05/20/08 05:28:12) Forum Grouch Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	It's okay that you miss it Robby. You aren't crazy for missing it. But if you keep collecting that time, you'll miss it less and less. It's worth the temporary pain, trust me.
debs4321		#11	[-]
Posts: 624 (05/20/08 06:24:52) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You know Robby, I heard this at a meeting the other day. One way our addiction tries to get us is by tricking us into see only the highlights of our past. When we think about our using days..........we see only the great things. For example...... We see the great time we all had a the party..................not seeing our self throwing up in the toilet later that night. We see us all dancing at the club having a blast..................not seeing our self picking at our faces in the bathroom. These are only a few examples......... If we can just remember when we are obsessing over the good times we must always remember what the consequences are for our actions. Play the tape all the way to the very end. Good and bad. Deb
le grumps		#12	[-]
Posts: 3431 (05/20/08 07:53:39) Forum Grouch Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Deb has a good point. I know you don't have access to meth, but perhaps if you have those feelings of really missing it, you can "play the tape all the way to the end". What would happen after that great meth sex? And what would happen after the thing that happened after the great meth sex? You can even play it all the way to now... if you pick up again, eventually you will have to go through the exact same pain of early recovery... If you just walk through this stuff now, and stay off the meth, you NEVER have to go through all of this again. And honestly, thats what has kept me from going back, more than anything. It took me a long time for feel human again. I never want to have to feel that way again. Keep on truckin', you are walking the righteous path. (Even if it doesn't feel so righteous all the time.)
nineyearsclean		#13	[-]
Posts: 7632 (05/20/08 08:12:46) Best Friend to KCI Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hey Rob, it's normal, what you're going through. The 3 month mark was tough for me too. I wanted to go back. Because going back meant not having to deal with everything. Going back meant being somewhere that felt familiar, and familiar is comfortable, even if it is dangerous. But going back means dying, and you know it. I don't think you want to die. Repeat after me: going back means certain death. Play the tape all the way forward.................you'll remember why meth addiction sucked and why you are where you are today. The good thing about that is that tomorrow you won't be where you are today, or the next day, or the next. Time is a wonderful healer. Give your brain time to heal Rob. It won't always be like this. I promise. Blessings to you sweetheart, 9
Lisa		#14	[-]
Posts: 2585 (05/20/08 08:18:47) Forum Friend Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Robbie, the ONLY way past it is through it. It was hell on earth for me, too. Every minute of every day dragged by; it was endless torture. Until one day, the torture was a tiny bit less, hardly noticable. Then, after more time, it was definitely noticable. Until, one day about a year and a half after I got clean, I finally didn't think about it anymore, didn't crave it anymore, and FINALLY started to feel somewhat "normal" (whatever that means) again. It's a long haul. But two years from now, where do you wanna be? Past it or stuck in it? Time heals. I promise. Give it time.
nineyearsclean		#15	[-]
Posts: 7635 (05/20/08 08:32:08) Best Friend to KCI Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	It's a long haul. But two years from now, where do you wanna be? Past it or stuck in it? ...........or, God forbid, six feet under?
Robby99.bpdsanctuary		#16	[-]
Posts: 66 (05/20/08 11:18:08) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You know guys you are all right, I just feel like I can never enjoy life again, sex again, or be my gay self without Meth ... I feel like I am missing something. Everyday I walk past a store that sells coffins and everyday I get this thought as I pass that store , the thought is that if I go back out there one more time, Take one more hit , then What is waited for me is one of those wooden boxes, all put together and shined waiting for my Dead body to go inside and go 6 feet under. I have seen many before me go back out and die or worse go crazy.. I think that I still have most of my looks, am somewhat smart and have not lost all of my marbles just yet but Each time I use then I do lose more each time, Suzette is right there, Every time I pick up that $%%# I lose a piece of my soul, mind, and Charm. I do not want to miss it but I do.. I hope that I can get through this without picking up because I have 85 days today, I have a place to live, food on my table, two computers, people that care for me and I am alive.. None of that would be possible if I was still using Meth , or any drug or drink. I am not rich nor happy really but I have what I need. As far as being in a foreign country, yes It is hard - in the beginning it was new and exciting as was my relationship with my Finace ( wife ? ) but now I feel isolated, lonely, and not sure this is what I want, I do know that if I was still in SF I would be using, no doubt in my mind as Everywhere I turn Meth was there, old using friends, sex buddies, etc. I would get chills and feel like I just smoked when I walked past the adult sex stores and kept relapsing, this is sad for me because I love that city, many friends in recovery there and CMA is awesome there but was chronic relapser and that nearly killed me. Why did I get clean to begin with someone asked ?? I wanted bad things to stop happening to me and did not want to die ..I liked meth for the sex and release from my problems and how it made me feel but after the good always came the bad.. I do not miss that ' Oh $%%# I did it again' feeling after I came down, nor smelling like chemicals, going to meetings spun out and having to raise my hand as a newcomer, Daily ER viists, having my stomach pumped, EKG's , 5150's and more.. Will I go back to that life ? I sure hope not, but of late I cannot stop thinking about Meth and how I am having trouble walking away and saying goodbye for good..
luvepiphany		#17	[-]
Posts: 7617 (05/20/08 11:27:45) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	did ya watch Nick's video? just wondering.... after watching it, today, I'm wanting for nothing. luv
lax2		#18	[-]
Posts: 2368 (05/20/08 11:52:40) Forum Friend Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I gotta adree... the only was to miss it less and lesss is to stay clean of it longer and longer... If you need the emergency support of 12 step meetings try doing a search for AA MEetings www.AA.org even if alcohol is not your drug of choice... the people there just might understand some of what you are saying... I hate to be the one saying this but if you miss the Gay Culture or Gay sex now... Marrying a woman will not change that ... Is that part of why you use? You gotta learn to accept and live healthfully with WHO YOU ARE... Please Hang in there & stay clean... Meth will only make everything worse... Try hard to accept who you are... It is OK to be who you are...im rootin for you
Hemetchik		#19	[-]
Posts: 3079 (05/20/08 14:28:18) Forum Host Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	It is a huge part of the gay community....dope and a lot of other drugs. People loose themselves in that community. I was such a" faghag"...but I was just a tag along for the dope...dancing...constant partying...hey...go to a NA convention....they have fun...look online for sober gay community....it exsist, I hope...get involve in helping your community understand that this is not ok...and it destroys lives, relationships and ideas on what the heck fun can be... help young homosexuals in preventing the cycle...get involved and fill up that void where you can....it is part of your recovery...it works...staying sober and rebuilding your life...set the mofo example... love debbie rocking socal...sober for over a year...
robertborges		#20	[-]
Posts: 112 (05/20/08 16:04:25) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	http://narecoverychat.org/na-chat-only.php.check out this site alot of chat rooms and support.for every thing that goes up it must come down,Keep searching and LISTENING you will and this to shall pass.halt,,,,,,hungry angry LONELY......tired.You want to be in hell thats 1 place that meth quarentees to take you.Take it from someone who is fighting back ooo no not another brain fart!

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