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Guilt is anger directed at ourselves--at what we did or did not do. Resentment is anger directed at others--at what they did or did not do.

The process of guilt and resentment is the same:

We have an image that either we or others should live up to. (An image of all the should's, must's, have-to's, and demands we learned or created about our own and/or others' behavior.)
We emotionally demand that we or others live up to this image.
.....................We or they fail to live up to our image.
We judge the "contrary action" as wrong, bad, evil, wicked, etc.

We become emotionally upset--bitter, alienated, hurt, hostile, belligerent, combative, contentious, quarrelsome, vicious, touchy, cranky, cross, grouchy, testy, enraged, aggravated, annoyed, furious, teed-off, etc., etc.

...................We'll put them all under the general umbrella of "angry."

We assign blame for the emotional upset--either we did it or they did it.

If we are to blame, we direct the anger toward ourselves, feeling regret, remorse, shame, repentance, culpability, fault--we'll call all that guilt.

If the transgressor of our expectations was someone or something other than ourselves, we call our anger spite, jealousy, suspicion, malice, begrudging, covetousness, envy, indignation--all of which we'll call resentment.

The sad fact is that, whether we blame us or them, we feel the hurt
.................. But that is not considered, at least for long.

All of this continues for the prescribed length of time and intensity.
.......what's the good in that?
Frankly, not much.

Anger begins as an inner twinge.
.......We sense something long before it blossoms (explodes?) into an emotional tirade.
If we listen to this twinge--and follow its advice--the emotional outburst (or inburst) is not needed.

Stop. Don't do anything. You are at a choice point. You have two ways to go. One choice equals freedom. The other choice equals misery--familiar misery, but misery nonetheless.

Look. What image (expectation, belief, should, must, ought-to) about either yourself or another is about to be (or has recently been) violated? ("People should drive carefully." "I mustn't eat cake if I'm on a diet.")

Change. What do you change?

The image.

Your image is not accurate--according to hard, cold, physical evidence. People should drive carefully, but do they always? Hardly. That "should" is inaccurate, false, erroneous, wrong.

People on diets mustn't eat cake, but do they? You bet. That "mustn't" is untrue, faulty, mistaken, and incorrect. Based on the actual life-data given to you, your images (should's, must's, have-to's) are all wet.

But what do we often do with the image that is proven--conclusively--to be inaccurate?
................Do we disregard it?
Do we intelligently alter it, based on reality?

("People should drive carefully, and sometimes they don't." "People on diets shouldn't eat too much cake too often.")

No. We make ourselves miserable with the inaccurate image.

The world's actions do not conform to our beliefs. Woe is us. Our own actions don't conform to our beliefs. Woe on us.

Can you see the absurdity of this? We demand that our illusion (our image) be more real than reality (what actually happened), hurting ourselves in the process.

First, we get to feel right.
............. Feeling right is a strong drug. Some people sacrifice a lot to be right.

The question with each initial twinge of guilt or resentment:

Would you rather be right or be happy?

If we answer "Happy," we are free.

If we answer "Right," the cycle of misery begins again.
.................. If we're right we must punish--either ourselves or another.

As I mentioned, the irony is that when we punish another, we first punish ourselves.
.......................Who do you think feels all that hate we have for another?

The other person?
..........Seldom.
Us?
...........Always.

Second, anger is a habit. We learned it early on--before we could walk or talk, in some instances.
........The habit is so ingrained in some people that they haven't understood a word of this.

"What is he talking about?

When people do something wrong, I will naturally feel upset.

When I do something bad, I will of course feel guilty."

It's not "natural," it's not "of course"; it's learned. If our early lessons of acceptance were as successful as our early lessons of anger, how much happier we would all be.

Third, guilt and resentment give us (and others) permission to do it again. Far from preventing a recurrence, the punishment simply lets the person (either you or another) say, "I've paid my dues; now I'm free to do it again." Many people weigh the guilt they will feel against the pleasure of the forbidden action they want to take. As long as they're willing to "pay the price," the action's okay. People often ponder the anticipated wrath of another before taking certain actions. "If I'm five minutes late, he'll be a little mad." They make a choice between another's resentment and whatever it is that might make them five minutes late. If they're willing to endure the chastisement, they reason, it's okay to be late. Guilt and resentment, then, far from preventing "evil,"* perpetuate it.

What if we use the twinge of guilt to change the action? What if we feel the guilt and don't eat the cake? Isn't this using the Master Teacher's message for our good?

Well, it's a good start. If we don't do something because we're afraid of the guilt, we are, in fact, being motivated by fear and guilt. If we do good because we fear what might happen to us if we don't do good, the act of good is tainted with fear.

As a transition--especially when breaking a habit--it's a beginning, but we must move beyond that or we find ourselves in the trap of not feeling guilty because we'd feel guilty if we felt guilty.

So what can we use to motivate ourselves to do good?

Do good because good is the right thing to do. Not right as "conforming to law and morality (or else)," but right as "in accordance with fact, reason, and truth."

Another great motivator is love. Love yourself enough to stay on the diet because you love your body and want to keep it healthy.

More on this and other positive motivators later, along with the cure for guilt and resentment.

The cure for guilt and resentment? Forgiveness. The preventative? Acceptance. The best reason to do good? Loving.

And if you forget any of this, just before you veer off-course,with that first twinge of guilt or resentment,

"Would you rather be right or be happy?"

.............Your answer will always be respected.

Life 101