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There were a lot of changes taking place inside of me those first days and weeks when I got clean. As the fog began to clear, I came to realize the damage my addiction caused, and it frightened me.
I also came to realize that I had, indeed, given up control of my life to my addiction. It controlled everything I did, said, and thought. I was truly a slave to it, and I couldn't believe that I had allowed that to happen.
One of the more miraculous things that happened during those early days was that I met up with someone I hadn't seen in nearly two decades: I met myself. I began to feel like myself, and to think for myself. Along with that reunion came the pain and sorrow from my childhood that meth had so conveniently silenced.
I found that the little girl I could not protect was still there, still hurting, still wanting to be taken care of and made whole again. She still needed to understand why she was treated so badly for simply "being". She still needed to be comforted. She still cried because her wounds still bled and caused her much pain.
In the meantime, my body began to heal and my mind began to think clearly, and that felt good. It became clear to me then that if I could get my mind and body to perform and function better than it was on meth, I just might be able to help that little girl inside heal too.
I knew she would forever cry silently if I chose to smother her with meth and it's emotion numbing effects. I knew she would never heal. I began to feel responsible for her as if she were my own child. I began to understand that she was, in fact, my own flesh and blood, and that it was my duty to end her suffering.
As all of this new information was flooding my heart and soul I realized that even though that little girl still resided inside of me, I was an adult now, fully capable of caring for myself and for her, as long as I kept myself clean and sober enough to do so.
If you can't find a reason to get clean for you, do it for the child who resides inside of you. Do for that child what the adults in your life may not have done for him or her. It's time for that child to heal, and you are the only person who can do it.
