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Peg, I have a daughter who is two years younger than Lee. She never gave me a moments trouble. The only words we had in years has been over thier dad. Who reappeared in thier lives after being gone twenty plus years. And that was more me than her.
But she has even told me that life was good for them and she never understood Lee's attitude either. Of course now thier grown , she has told me horror storys about him, she should have told me when they were kids. She says she did some but I sure don't remember.
But I spent a lot of years in deep depression over thinking I must done something awful to my kids somewhere to make him so awful. But bottom line, it was his decision, what he did.
When he was about fifteen, he tried to beat on me one day. I know now he was high. I don't think it was meth at that time. But I knew he was crazy on something. I was still young and strong at the time. I had been out in yard cleaning up some brush. I was in habit of carring a small 22 because of being a home health nurse and some the back roads I had to travel. I had it in my pocket that day because I was afraid of snakes. He had been lurking around all day, acting pissed as usual. I tried to ignore him back then. I went back into the house for something and tried to find my car keys. They weren't in my purse., or anywhere in the house. He came in and asked what I was doing, I told him I couldn't find my car keys. He went right over to my purse and stuck his hand in and pulled my keys right out. I told him he had them all the long. I was laughing over it but I scolded him.
He went wild, hitting he and cussing me and I got so angry. I was hitting him back and I got so angry I guess I though I brought him into this world, I would take him out. I don't think I really meant to shoot him but I did. Thuss my hell and my nightmare deepened. He still has a bullet in his back. he was in hospital a few days but never critical. However I was a wreck. But you know they never charged me with a thing.
The memory is punishment enough. I never touched a gun since. And he usually never fails to mention his back hurts for some reason. He has to dig at me one way or other. But it didn't change him. It didn't help. He got worse and worse, until at age 29, I would have shot him again given the chance. Just so the rest of the family could have some peace. Even if I never did. Often in fusses he has screamed "I can't die, you done tryed to kill me and I didn't die" Which I would usualy say "I should have killed you" Then I live with those angry words to. A lot of people here although I love them, don't belive like I do. Had my son died back then. He probably would have went to hell. The extra years of hell here on earth were worth it, since he got saved. So even if he returns to his old ways someday and dies from it. I do have the comfort of knowing he will be in heaven.
I know to some that sounds crazy but it is the way I belive. I am not asking anyone else to.
And with 15 years of therapy and prayer. I can finaly tell people what happen. I can finaly sleep through the night without reliving that day. And I still remember my daughter screaming" no mama "when I lifted the gun to my head after realising I did shoot my own kid.
Just another thought. I can barely do anything outside in the yard now. His little boy, does all kinds of stuff for me. He put a flower bed next to my porch and filled it with flowers. So I could look at them when I sit out. He is such a blessing.
God bless you all
gloria