Yuku free message boards

le grumps wrote:

---

but i'm drinking too much now and then i contact the friends, and make plans to use on the weekends, then of course i cancel. it's very scary.

Heya Sammie,

Welcome. You sound exactly like me. When I got clean, I kind of didn't really want to. I wanted to not have the bad things happen anymore, but I didn't want to stop dulling my emotions.

So I quit with rehab, and moved out of the city I lived in. I really enjoy being clean, but I still want to dull my emotions (even good ones!) so In the 3 years I have been "clean", I've been drinking too. I slowed it down to about 2 or 3 times a month, sometimes less. If I got drunk with the "right people", I'd do exactly what you did, make plans to go use meth or blow, then once I sobered up the next day, I'd cancel the plans or just bow out of them.

In fact I just made more "plans" yesterday... for a month from now. It scares me because it's like I can see my own deception, but on the other hand, I know I can probably back out of this one too.

Probably.

It's up to me.


Maybe you are planning a relapse. But just because you are planning one does not mean you can't cancel the plans. It's not about not using that "one time", it's about unraveling that whole chain of events that even starts the "planning a relapse".

And from what I have seen in myself, it's about facing feelings that I may not want to feel, feelings I may not even be aware exist that I don't want to feel. I need to do the work that I didn't get around to in rehab or whatever.

Maybe it's something similar for you, maybe it's a little different.

But you are not sentenced to go back to using... but the signs are there that more active recovery (maybe NA meetings, recovery books, or things like that) could really benefit you.


That's my opinion anyway.

Stick around!

le grumps,