Yuku free message boards

While I was using I hurt everyone who loved me in one way or another.
I could go on and on about the things I done. But you already know all
about that. I want to try and explain something about me and most of
the addicts I know. This is not a reason or excuse for the choices I made.

But it is a truth and I would like to share with you. My wife grew to believe
I hated her. She couldn't understand why I was acting and doing the
things I was doing. We hardly ever talked and I guess when we did she
was so happy to have me pay attention to her she didn't want to take
a chance on fighting by asking me what the hell was wrong with me.

My wife loves me and I love her. But I hurt her so bad and I am now so
ashamed of what I did. IM getting off track here. The thing is she came
to believe that every decision that I made was designed to hurt her. Why
else would I be hurting her like I was unless I was doing it on purpose.

And now I would think the same thing. And that's the way it was with all
my friend and their none using wifes. I never came to realize this until a
month or so before I finely quit. And then only through reading her diary.
What IM trying to say is this. She was wrong I never stopped loving her.

The sad fact is in my addiction. She didn't come into the equation at all.
All of my choices and actions were based solely on acquiring and using
meth. I couldn't see no farther than that. And I couldn't see that that was
all I was seeing. My using friend still don't see it. But I see it so clearly
now that it hurts me to the bone. I hope you can make some sense out
of that. I know I hurt so many people. But I didn't do it on purpose.

Maybe I even knew it but if I did. My addiction didn't let it matter. All I know
is that the person I am now and the person I was before meth. Would
not have let that happen. And I doubt if your addict would either. Again
IM not trying to make excuses. But maybe that is what is happening
with your addict and he don't even notice either. I am sorry for the hurt
we cause.

7-09-07

Greg