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I want to respond more but I'm going to a meeting right now - but thank you so much again!!
I want to respond more but I'm going to a meeting right now - but thank you so much again!!
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 sotired |
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Posts: 82 (04/23/08 07:27:57) |
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starr4two |
Keep Moving Forward | ||
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Posts: 115 (04/23/08 13:53:47) |
"Then turn it around, if you had just lost everything beautiful left in life because you decided to run rather than recover, you too would lie or make up your own truths so that you could live with yourself. Wouldn't you? I would."
Oh Luv, let me just tell you how much better that analogy made me feel.
So tired, our story is so much alike, this time he's only been gone for a month. He had 18 months clean and went back out. I still can't understand it. But we have to know it has nothing to do with us or our worth. He is like a puppet and meth is pulling the strings. I have bad days to, were I start thinking, would it be so bad if he just got high during the day, maybe I can tolerate it, maybe we can come to some compromise and he can come home. No, No, No, No, No, been there done that. It always escalates, it always gets worse. In the end I was getting high too, people were always coming and going, and he would still leave all night without calling. My house was a known drug house and I'm lucky I woke up before I lost my kids. (My wake up call was my 17 year old sister, who I was getting high with, getting busted for trafficking on her way to my house.)
Meth = Misery Every time, there is no way around it. I don't know how to stop those thoughts; I don't know how to stop missing him. I believe chances are if you allowed the meth use, used with him, or supported his habit, he would still be at home and not with this other broad.
I was feeling just like you yesterday. We have to know these lives they are living are only temporary none of it is real. I was talking to my sister yesterday, and she asked me if I remember when I was strung out, I said not really specifics it was a blur, she told me when she was strung out she remembers laughing one time and it felt so empty, unreal, like it wasn't coming from her heart, and she knew at that moment she wanted to quit using because she wanted to feel.
Just know that you are not alone. One day he'll have to face his regrets and you'll have a new happy wonderful life with your children. Keep Moving Forward. |
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sotired |
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Posts: 83 (04/23/08 14:41:55) |
I know that even to this day when my son's father is sober he is great. We hang out, talk and get along amazingly.When he is using I am the devil spawn who he absolutely despises. That is so true! I just can't get over how much you guys understand. I hardly ever talk to my friends and family about this situation. I mean they know what's going on but for the life of them they can't understand why I would put up with all of it. I really don't know why either. I feel like I'm such a hateful person because I want so badly for this "broad"(ok her name is Maria) to be hurting. I want her to go through things. I want her to REGRET that she ever messed with a "married" man let alone one that is addicted to drugs. I want him to "use her up and spit her out". I feel so much jealousy when I see him and he actually looks good. Like she's taking good care of him. Like he's actually going to sleep and not staying up in the garage until 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. I mean if I truly loved him - wouldn't I want for him to be clean and sober - no matter whom (spell check tells me it's supposed to be whom) he's with? But, I don't. I want to know that if he's not at home - he's hating life. I want him to look like sh*t. But one day I'll see him and he'll look bad then I'll see him days later and he'll look good. I'm so glad that you guys feel like he's lying about his life right now. Because, although it's easy for me to see that is true in all of the other posters threads - I'm not sure I believe it in my situation. Because it does look like he's got it all. Like keepitsimpleforme said - He's on my mind first thing when I wake up and last thing when I go to bed. I don't know why. I really do try and change my thoughts and it sickens me that I do think of him all the time. Luv, you're right - the no contact thing really is the best. I know myself that I start feeling better and then I see him and then I start missing him again and it starts all over. I know that I do not want him back. I know that I do not want to be in the same situation. I know that I do not want to put up with his irritability, stealing. lying, cheating, selfishness - I know that - because whenever he would leave before I would miss him terribly then he'd come back and I would HATE it! The thing is I want for him to WANT to come home. So am I sick or do I just want control????? ☺ Last night when I got home I noticed that he had been at my house. He left a beer can on the counter (I guess so I'd see that he was there???). He had kicked back for a while. I think he even took a shower. Of course, he left before me and the kids got home. Yes, I can have the locks changed but it didn't really matter. I was more thinking to myself - see if he's so happy why does he still come around here then. Drugs really changed this guy. He's 46 years old. He was always against drugs until he was 20 and his "friend" gave him his first line. So he's been doing this for 26 years. 26! He would stop for a little while each time he would get out of jail but then always start again. He's always had someone to help him out. There was always some woman who would take care of him. He's good looking but GOSH come on how does he know how to find the ones that will totally take care of him. I did it for 13 years. We are not married but I treated our relationship like a marriage. I took my personal vows very seriously. Plus, he was NOT the guy that he is now. He had his problems - of course he wasn't perfect - but he was a good father. He made me laugh. I felt so protected. He could fix ANYTHING (as stupid as that sounds) I was so proud to have him as a boyfriend. Now to this. Right before I moved out of our house, he wouldn't even mow the lawn anymore. He has holes poked in the garage door so he could see out. Every time he was laying in bed and heard a car door shut he'd have me get up and see who it was. Even if it was 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning. Yeah, I felt real protected then. Oh, I could go on and on. And I just might - but in another thread and maybe tomorrow (ha-ha) Thanks guys! |
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sotired |
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Posts: 84 (04/23/08 14:49:54) |
starr4two
Thank you for posting........It also helps to hear from people that have used. It always helps to understand what they are thinking. Obviously nothing. I've tried talking to my ex. But, really it probably just goes in one ear and out the other. You hit the nail on the head when you said about maybe tolerating his use or tolerating this or tolerating that and then he can be home. I tried that too and it always went back to the way it is now. Also, I did say that to him one time about if I used too (I WOULD NEVER) and he said he'd hate me if I were using. Yeah right! He would have to share the drugs with me and that's what he wouldn't like - unless he was desperate for some. |
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luvepiphany |
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Posts: 7292 (04/23/08 16:13:19) Forum Star |
sotired...the men we love are so much the same and yes, the way we have dealt with their meth addictions is much the same. We are much the same. Why? Why
did we come here?
We came here because we didn't like our lives-yes, their addictions were/are part of our lives. But, only to the extent that we allow them to be. Think about the one liners that Loraura always faithfully gives out....They are Excellent questions and little bits of wisdom. They may strike a nerve in us but as the saying goes, "If nothing changes, nothing changes" So, chronilogically, you have listed out the stages and the things you've tried to change or control your man's addiction....and yes, by Wantiing him to just Come Back or Just Be Miserable with her or Just do a little bit of dope or Just CHANGE, you are trying to change and control him 
Then you have also listed out many of the things you tried to change yourself and your life. Some things have worked and created lasting changes.
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keepitsimpleforme |
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Posts: 185 (04/24/08 05:36:48) |
sotired wrote:
Last Edited By: keepitsimpleforme
04/24/08 05:40:29.
Edited 1 times.
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