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I know she doesn't need an enemy, regardless of what her problems are. But quite frankly, she has made an enemy of me. She doesn't recognize that she needs help. She wants out of the marriage, with little explanation to show for it.

I'll be there for her for as long as she lets me, but as for now she wants little or nothing to do with me. Also I have to consider the life of my son.

Believe me, I never suspected her of using until over a week ago... having been educated on many signs of use here at KCI.

I've never held her drug history against her. But being as she does have a past, and the other day she made a casual comment that there was a bag of weed in the drawer where he was playing in, and add her despicable behaviors (physical and verbal abuse towards me, but NOT towards him) in private and in public, then yeah, I suspect her. On one hand I hope I'm wrong, but on the other I hope I'm right. I hate to say that, I really do. At least then I will know where the problems are coming from.

To be fair, let me (repeating myself here) give you the other signs. I've posted this here at KCI already but I had deleted all my posts because I thought she was coming home yesterday.

1. She has struck me 3 or 4 times, and cusses me, both in front of my son.
2. She has smashed things like our wedding picture, pictures of him and us, our honeymoon candle, etc. etc.
3. She does this with little or no remorse.
4. She could be in a good mood the next day.
5. Weeks ago, in the car driving home, she told me I was out of control, and that I needed help. I said, "You're kidding right? After all the things you've done to me, I've never so much as laid a finger on you." Her response was that she wished that I would so that she could get out of this mess. That afternoon I asked her to leave the house and stay with her mom's for a little while (that brought on the trial separation).
6. She stormed out of counseling in our first meeting, about two weeks ago. I was talking calmly, and she accused me of lying about a detail and made the biggest scene possible and declared our marriage was over. She slammed the door.
7. She called me 5 minutes later while I was still there, crying, and told me she would continue to go to counseling but that she wasn't coming home.
8. Two Sunday's ago Graham was playing in a drawer, at her mom's house, and she said, "Oh there are pills in there. Also a ten-year old bag of weed. It belongs to my mom. I don't know why she doesn't keep it in the freezer." I called my counselor the minute I got home and asked him what to do. I assured him I still wanted our marriage to work, but that I was highly concerned.
9. I was torn up about what to do, and finally the next day I called and reported the incident to DFCS. I didn't know this would happen, but a deputy visited the house. All he could do was check on Graham. She called me after the visit and told me "The thing about the weed was a JOKE. I hope this was worth it." Since then, my wife has only spoken to me when regarding who's taking care of Graham on what day. She has told me, though, that she will go to the next counseling session (tomorrow night).

Other signs:

10. Her gums have started bleeding so badly that her teeth are sometimes stained with blood.
11. She drinks diet sodas non-stop (she wasn't doing this until the last few months).
12. Sometimes her breath is so bad it knocks the wind out of me.
13. Her sense of personal hygiene has and continues to degrade.
14. She often forgets crucial details of a conversation, usually something that SHE says (both in our fights and in casual conversations).
15. She gets bored at home very easily and will go to her mom's (this was before the separation) for 7 to 8 hours at a time on the weekend (almost every weekend).
16. She's gotten in trouble at work numerous times for being on the internet excessively. She has had the internet removed from her computer, and she has told me that she's a bit paranoid of her boss because of how often she's gotten in trouble.
17. She constantly interrupts others while they're speaking, both me and anybody we're around. I've noticed this is worse when she's nervous. She interrupted the counselor at least 4 or 5 times.

When we first started dating, she told me she was doing meth (mostly snorting) for 4-5 years almost daily, and that she had been clean, quit it cold turkey, for 6 months. I came to find out much later it had only been 2 months clean.

One more crucial detail:

If she's as clean as she tells me she is, she hasn't done meth for two years now.

Well the good news, is she didn't refuse the test. She still says there are trust issues, there is a breach of trust there.

After the counseling session, she still made mention about "if it doesn't work out with us," while we were talking at our cars. I said I would make the changes necessary to help our marriage work, is she still wanted that.

God, I'm relieved that she's not back on meth. But she's still got a foot planted firmly out of this marriage. I don't know, maybe she's met somebody.

Why is she still going to counseling?

Damn I don't know if I feel better or worse now. I'm sorry, I'm probably not in a good state of mind to be posting here

I asked her if she would be willing to take a hair follicle test. She cried and said, "Yes, but I'm telling you that that might be the final nail the coffin." She has threatened that it's over numerous times now in the last few weeks, so that wasn't a real shock to me. It's almost as if she's playing a waiting game; she's made up her mind already that she has no intention of things working, but if I tire of this and shut the door, then Graham will have to grow up knowing that it was Daddy who left Mommy. Btw he's one years old, and wonderful. In response to the post-partum thing, I have no idea how that works I admit. I will say though that she has shown nothing but love to him, and takes good care of him. That is, other than the joke the other day that she had drugs around him.