If you can't beat em...

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racebannon	If you can't beat em...	Lead	[-]
Posts: 210 (06/28/09 08:16:20) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Hi all, Its been an insane last couple of weeks. I have failed, I can't let her go. No matter what I do, I crave her like the drug she is. I have wanted to use so bad, but I remain drug free, just not free of the girl. My love is blind, can't see the forest for the trees. One day I'm strong, the next day I'm persuing her. I asked her for a hit, testing her - she refused, cried told me never to ask again. What a tease. I would die for her, yet I never want to see her again, until the next time. Dont worry about me, shes gonna quit....tomorrow.
smilewasmask		#1	[-]
Posts: 4044 (06/28/09 08:23:21) Forum Friend Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Race! What I read here, from you, makes a chill run up and down my spine. I spent a year with my meth using man before I gave in and decided to go to hell WITH him. And DAMN, it WAS HELL. AND I was JUST as LONELY using WITH him as I was when only he was using. Actually, I was even more lonely as I had alienated myself from ALL of my family and friends who were not using. It was a nightmare and MANY loved ones were hurt. Some are still wounded.. And he is STILL in prison. Damn....Race...... RUN !!!~!!!!!!
jokersgirl		#2	[-]
Posts: 82 (06/28/09 08:25:27) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	(((((hugs))))))) I feel your pain! Nineteen days here. How many hours is that? Hehe. And yet, I find myself driving by those houses, etc. Doesn't matter, I'm done in this town. But there are other towns. I hear you about the one day I'm strong, the next I am climbing the walls. You are not alone. Actually you are a hell of alot stronger than I am, there is no way I could have someone doing drugs in my face and not be involved. Last Edited By: jokersgirl 06/28/09 08:27:40. Edited 1 times.
racebannon		#3	[-]
Posts: 211 (06/28/09 08:31:03) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I dont understand what has happened in my life. It started with a painful and hurtful divorce, the death of 2 close friends, hooking up with a crazy girl, and now my parents are both breaking down from old age, my sister in hospital with acute rheumatoid arthrits. It just never ends lately. I wanna give up.
wonderwoman		#4	[-]
Posts: 2009 (06/28/09 08:41:44) Member Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You have a choice and you don't have to do this anymore. You have to sit through the pain. You can do it. You cannot use what she is doing to herself as an excuse to flush yourself down the toilet too... You have choices and options - you own it. What would you tell your child - what would you want your child to do in the same situation? (((Race)))
jwl65	I hear ya	#5	[-]
Posts: 38 (06/28/09 08:42:49) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I hear ya race, what's the sayin? when it rain's it pour's, it seem's that's the way it is sometime's everything start's happening from every different direction, just take it one day at a time, bro. you can do it, you made it this far, i understand your addiction to her part, i fight the same issue's everyday. love is a biatch, and it can kill ya, hang in there!! you'll make it!!
smilewasmask		#6	[-]
Posts: 4046 (06/28/09 08:49:39) Forum Friend Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Don't give up, my Friend. Maybe take control in the departments that you CAN~ You are chasing an illusion. I am very sorry. This woman is like a shadow... Maybe spend time figuring out how you can be of service to your parents and your sister.... Don't let your life energy be sucked dry. She is not capable of being in a healthy, loving relationship. Why do you want to settle for less than that ? FCK the dope. FCK that desire. FCK giving up. Time to LIVE Life and be grateful for what you DO have and for what you CAN do. ....i sorry if i seem like i am yelling.....just don't want you to give up....don't want you to do dope...... .........don't want you to feel that torment..........want you to be happy and A~OK...........................
danimal55		#7	[-]
Posts: 9259 (06/28/09 09:02:21) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You would die for her? What is she willing to do for you? It's time to..... LIVE FOR RACEBANNON Toxic love is a sickness in the hearts of the participants. It is a union of unhealthy and needy individuals. It is a parasite of the human spirit. It uses another person's weakened spirit in order to survive. It is an emotional cancer that destroys the healthy parts of a person until there is nothing left except an empty shell-- unless its progression is stopped! A person in a toxic love relationship can fool themselves and their partner into believing that they are protectors, givers, nurturers, or enlighteners. The condition of the relationship is one of uncertainty, anger, neediness, insecurity, and suspicion. Once a person is deeply involved in a toxic love affair, they gradually lose the ability to recognize behavior that is unhealthy and unacceptable. They eventually lose touch with the concept of a healthy relationship. In these relationships, each partner's central role is either as a parasite or as a victim. However, these roles can switch periodically if an emotionally charged situation arises like a bitter argument. When this happens, a repressed sick part an individual can come shooting out like red-hot lava from an angry volcano! The degree of sick behavior by either partner can vary. One of them may be sicker than the other. One or both of them may abuse their partner. They may abuse in different ways. Their abuse might be blatant or indiscernible. It might be unintentional or subconscious or both. Whatever the method of delivery it is equally damaging to the recipient. The sinister aspect of imperceptible abuse is that it's difficult to identify and explain. This makes it hard to gain support from family and friends. Any relationship that makes you feel bad is or has the capability of becoming a toxic love relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that one or both partners has to be psychologically ill for this to occur. Just being with a person who's wrong for you can lead to a toxic love relationship. Recognizing a Toxic Love Relationship So how do you know when you're in a toxic love relationship? During the early stages of these relationships, it's hard to spot. If either partner has unhealthy tenancies, they usually repress them. As a person becomes more involved, especially if they are at a low point in their life, it progressively becomes more difficult to determine. This is particularly true if one or both partners are getting sicker as a result their involvement in the toxic love affair. One of the best ways to know if you are in a toxic love relationship is to look at how you FEEL! Since you've been together do you feel better or worst about yourself and your life? When you spend time together, do you feel uplifted, relaxed, and confident or do you feel depressed, nervous, and unsure? When you're apart, do you feel certain and at peace about your relationship or do you feel confused and anxious about it? If you feel like the second part of these comparative questions more often than not, you may be in a toxic love relationship. Another, and perhaps more reliable, method for determining whether you are in a toxic love relationship is to tune in to what your intuition, or gut feelings, are telling you. (Intuition and gut feelings are different names for the same thing.) If the sickness of your relationship has progressed to the point where your mind has turned to mush, the following list from another article of mine entitled, "What is Love? Defined & Described by What it Is and is NOT," might give you clarity. It provides you with what you will NOT feel, think, share, and experience when you're TRULY in love. This list is a perfect description of a toxic love relationship. If it's true love, you will NOT: -Begin to hate yourself. -Think of what you want all the time. -Feel like spending time away from them. -Need to force your way with them. -Be pulling in different directions. -Be struggling to find common interests. -Challenging each other's motives. -Have vastly different ideas on your home life. -Be poles apart on how money is spent. -Argue and fight all the time, if at all. -Be afraid to share your deepest thoughts. -Be ignored by them. -Flirt with other people. -Feel fear and anxiety about them -Feel pressured by them. -Feel they have little interest in your life. -Have to force yourself to be pleasant. -Feel bad about yourself by what they say. -Feel insecure that they might leave you. -Have different ideas for the future. -Have different answers to the question: "What is love?" more... http://ezinearticles.com/?Toxic-Love-Relationships---How-to-Recognize-and-Escape-Them&id=1534917 Don't Give Up http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiCRZLr9oRw
danimal55		#8	[-]
Posts: 9259 (06/28/09 09:06:26) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	double posted...sorry Last Edited By: danimal55 06/28/09 09:14:32. Edited 1 times.
racebannon		#9	[-]
Posts: 212 (06/28/09 09:16:59) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	no problem on the double post - its an amazing read.
jokersgirl		#10	[-]
Posts: 85 (06/28/09 09:17:12) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Ouch danimal...you've described my marriage. Can these toxic love things be fixed?
danimal55		#11	[-]
Posts: 9261 (06/28/09 09:37:28) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Can these toxic love things be fixed? Certainly!....But only on a personal level, as we all know by now > we can't change anyone but ourself. (i.e. a monumental challenge for most of us ) The Belief System: What is codependency / codependence ? Mystical Metaphysical Spirituality Codependence / codependency - Defined A Dance of Shame, Suffering, & Self-Abuse Codependence vs Interdependence Codependency as Delayed Stress Syndrome The evolution of the term "Codependence" The Codependency Recovery Process Truth vs emotional truth A Kinder, Gentler, Cosmic Perspective of Spirituality Setting Personal Boundaries Emotional Abuse The Process Work: Inner child healing - How to begin Inner child healing - Why do it? Learning to Love our self Loving the Wounded Child Within Feeling the Feelings Internal Boundaries Inner Child Healing The Grief Process Grief, Love, & Fear of Intimacy Union Within Positive Affirmations Miscellaneous Topics: spiritual integration Spirituality for Agnostics and Atheists Questions about Alcoholism Alcoholism and Codependency Twelve Step Recovery The New Age Old Souls & Karma Empowerment & Victimization Jesus & Christ Consciousness Self Worth Emotional Incest Romantic Relationships: Romantic Relationships & Toxic Love Meditation on Romantic Commitment The Heartbreak of Romantic Relationships Romantic Heartbreak part 2 Romantic Heartbreak part 3 The Emotional Dynamics of Dysfunctional Romantic Relationships Dynamics part 2 An Adventure in Romance - Loving & Losing Successfully Codependent Relationships Dynamics Series of Articles part 1 - Power Struggle part 2 - Dysfunctional Definition of Love part 3 - Codependent & Counterdependent Behavior part 4 - Come Here, Go Away http://www.silcom.com/~joy2meu/
wonderwoman		#12	[-]
Posts: 2010 (06/28/09 10:09:02) Member Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	danimal55 wrote: Can these toxic love things be fixed? Certainly!....But only on a personal level, as we all know by now > we can't change anyone but ourself. (i.e. a monumental challenge for most of us ) Ain't that the truth! People find it hard enough to make changes they desire - weight loss, quitting ciggies, drugs, etc.... if we have a hard time motivating our own selves to do what is in our own best interest how can we possibly think we can change that person over there - maybe we know how hard it is to change ourselves and we think it will be easier to make that person over there change but that is an exercise in sisyphean frustration ... The word sisyphean means, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, "endless and unavailing, as labor or a task." (Sisyphus had to roll the bolder up the hill only to see it come down over and over for all of eternity)....
abbey t of lv		#13	[-]
Posts: 388 (06/28/09 10:17:11) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Not to be confused with the rock band Chicago's album "Stone of Sisyphus" which I prefer to listen to on my Ipod...while I am trying to roll the boulder back up the hill. But hey, that's just me.
wonderwoman		#14	[-]
Posts: 2011 (06/28/09 10:23:54) Member Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Abbey!!!!!
danimal55		#15	[-]
Posts: 9263 (06/28/09 14:25:31) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	"cultural norm" is right! Toxic Love - the dysfunctional, addictive, cultural norm "True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Unfortunately the type of love most of us learned about as children is in fact an addiction, a form of toxic love." * "If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson." * "As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving." Toxic Love by Robert Burney M. A. "As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims" Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal. It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power. Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up. There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship. True Love is not a painful obsession. It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage. It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles. The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love. Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.) 1. Love - Development of self first priority. Toxic love - Obsession with relationship. 2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow. Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness) 3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships. Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests. 4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth. Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing. 5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.) Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply." 6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together. Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation. 7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality. Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image. 8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality. Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant. 9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood. Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other. 10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.) Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.) 11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship. Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification. 12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone. Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging. 13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment. Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair. Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal. If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson. As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail. As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice. That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.
Loraura		#16	[-]
Posts: 8953 (06/28/09 14:46:07) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	racebannon wrote: I dont understand what has happened in my life. It started with a painful and hurtful divorce, the death of 2 close friends, hooking up with a crazy girl, and now my parents are both breaking down from old age, my sister in hospital with acute rheumatoid arthrits. It just never ends lately. I wanna give up. It looks like you just explained exactly what is going on in your life. You hit painful emotions, and found something that numbed and distracted you. Even when it turned on you, and started piling up consequences, you still want the numbness and distraction. Do you want to give up really? If you really do, then give up doing it your way, and take the help that is available. It is available. It's not easy and it's not painless.
jwl65	With this being said!	#17	[-]
Posts: 39 (06/28/09 16:09:19) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	This is very interesting and i find some understanding in it myself, but i think it only will pertain to a sober person, as i have learned here, a meth addict does'nt have the ability to have a relationship with anyone except meth, and i am learning that on a personal scale, so letting go for me run's a little different path, as well as brother race,i think? we have women in our live's that does not want a (so called) normal relationship, it's in not in them rigtht now, and i guess that hopeing for a miracle get's in the way of common sense, and the heart want's to rule the head, so the toxic love is running with intoxicated love, which does'nt make sense, no more than hanging on to a spouse or girlfriend, ect...who is puttin you through hell. we know right from wrong, we just seem to struggle with the right, so we can get beat down, with the wrong. i guess love is a disease that need's a recovery class to.
hvnlykarma		#18	[-]
Posts: 23 (06/29/09 05:02:32) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Oh my God...you need to get OUT of that relationship! You need to start caring for yourself. (sorry about all the "you needs") A lot of my book is about a toxic relationship I was in for years. Not exactly your situation, but I bought a man a house and supported him for years because I was so crazy in love with him. He didn't love me back. He just loved my money...and the dog, but that's a whole other chapter. PLEASE take care of yourself. Next time, she may not refuse to give you a hit. www.thenext24.blogspot.com
hvnlykarma		#19	[-]
Posts: 24 (06/29/09 05:03:36) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	By the way, Danimal... nice links.. thank you:)