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Its kinda hard to remember what it was like when I was using and wanted to quit. I know I was like that for a long time. But I wouldnt even try to quit. I just kept on using like I was getting higher than hell and loving it.
But the truth was. And I knew it. I wasnt getting high. I was using to keep my eyes open. And my life was a miserable mess.
So I wander why I kept using. I know I was addicted. But what was going on in my mind that made me want to use. When everything I seen, heard, and felt screamed stop it !!!
I try to go back in my mind to find the answers as to. How did I quit. What changed in my mind. What finely happened. That this lifer was able to say enough and stick with it.
Those thoughts bothered me for a long time. I felt like I needed answers. I wanted to know who or what to thank.
I didnt want to take credit for it myself. And my reasons were mixed I suppose.
Maybe I thought if I could do this now. Why didnt I do it years ago before I let things get so bad? And in my mind that just brought on more shame. At a time when that was the last thing I needed. So I dont know. Maybe maybe not.
But what was on my mind most often was. What if Gods hand was in this. And if it was. How much was Gods doing and how much was mine.
Was their really a God? And if their was. Why would he help me? I had never acknowledged him. Or praised him. But I had never really said their was no God either. I just didnt believe in him.
All I know is that the second week I was in jail. My second week clean. I was looking out the window at the clouds rolling by in the wind. And they looked like foot prints. And I wandered if they could be foot prints of angels watching over me (us)
And from that day God has never left my mind. Im not saying I believed on that day. Because I did not. But he has never left my mind. And that has cause me turmoil, heartache, shame and guilt. If their was a God. What have I done? And after what I have done. Why would he save me?
I use to say if God was real. He would show himself to me. He wouldnt expect me to believe because someone told me to believe.
Well I now believe God was trying to show me that day I was looking at those clouds. And he has been showing me every since. And probably everyday before. For some reason I couldnt or wouldnt see.
It would take me 3 years to describe what has went on in my heart and mind since I quit using. Because most every minute has been filled with trying to understand. And learning to believe.
It is hard to remember what it was like when I was using. Or why I used when I didnt want to.
But what I remember about each day I have went through clean. No matter how good or bad the days were. The one common denominator each day had in it was the thought of God in my life.
I have read signs that were sent just for me. I have heard that calm soothing voice coming from deep inside.
But before the signs. Before the voice. Before I believed.
Their was an addict who just wandered. Who in the privacy of his own mind challenged himself to try and believe. Who talked to God until God talked back.
I dont know for sure how or why I managed to stay clean. But I choose to believe God played a large part in it.
Theirs a verse somewhere that says God will never give you more than you can handle. Or something like that. I believe that. And I found strength in it. In the footprints of angels.
Greg
