I need some advice

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keepitsimpleforme	I need some advice	Lead	[-]
Posts: 80 (03/26/08 07:40:36) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	All my friends/family are telling me to just divorce him. That he's never going to change. At first I thought our main problem was that he was a meth addict. I blamed his violence on the meth. And, when he's clean we do get along. We had a picture perfect 6 months after he got ouf rehab in 2006. But, it did not last. He went back to the drugs. And, he gets SO VIOLENT when he's on drugs. And, even when he's not "high" on drugs -- his whole attitude is just so differant when he's back using. We just don't get along. I guess he was brainwashed those 6 months or something. I don't know -- but it didn't last. So, here I am - haven't communicated with him in 7 days. He sent me a text message this morning....... Would it be to much to ask because it would mean the world to me if I could take you to lunch Friday before I go to rehab at 1pm PLEASE baby I love you. What do I do? I don't WANT to see him. I know I will crumble and be making promises that I will wait for him when he gets out of rehab and we'll try again. This rehab he's "supposedly" going to is only 6 weeks. Thta is NOT long enough for him. When he went in 2006 they told him he needed to go to a half-way house for a year - he wouldn't go. I don't trust him. I'm scared of him. And, I don't know if he's violent because of the meth or not. All I know is he is abusive and I'm tired of it and I don't want it in my house anymore. What if he gets out of this rehab and is great again? I'm so sick of having to make the decision of divorcing him. It's like as soon as I get my nerve up --- he goes into rehab and begs and pleads with me. You know? It's like he will do anything to manipulate me into not divorcing him. Last Edited By: keepitsimpleforme 03/26/08 07:44:23. Edited 2 times.
Hurting for YOU		#1	[-]
Posts: 202 (03/26/08 07:45:15) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Don't you have a restraining order against him? I feel your pain, but no one can answer that question but you. I don't feel you should meet him if you have that order. Keepitsimple...............people have been telling me time after time to find an al-anon group to go to...............I wanted to but didn't take the time until just the other day..............it has helped me in more ways than I ever planned.......... Don't be stupid like I was.............go find one...............there is magic there that helps the pain............. hugs, katie
mcr		#2	[-]
Posts: 87 (03/26/08 07:47:02) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	oh, man. The baby has a horrible rash and I will prob leave work early! I am replying fast now but I will add more later: PLEASE, PLEASE don't meet him on Friday. Just say a FEW words on the phone if u MUST on Friday, make like a phone date. keep it short, short. short. u cant KNOW things NOW, dont pressure urself. BUT also dont make promises (you/ he may not keep!) and dont feel bad abt it. The truth is he has to SHOW u changes, not talk abt them and the changes have to be LONG-LASTING. also, I would tell him this rehab idea sounds GREAT b/c it is a step, A STEP in the right direction!!!
keepitsimpleforme		#3	[-]
Posts: 81 (03/26/08 07:50:06) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Yes, I have a YEAR LONG TPO on him. We are not supposed to have ANY contact whatsoever for a year. I just don't feel like going through this with him - AGAIN. At this rehab they can't have any contact with anybody on the outside for 2 weeks. Well, I know he'll be writing me love letters after that 2 weeks is up. And, he'll sound so good in the letters -- just like before. Then he'll get out and be great. But, it won't last and I'll be RIGHT back where I'm at now.
forget suzette		#4	[-]
Posts: 13566 (03/26/08 07:54:00) Retro Space Cadet Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Go with your gut.
Hurting for YOU		#5	[-]
Posts: 203 (03/26/08 08:02:32) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Check your pm...........and then let me know if it makes any sense................you can only change you and the way you handle things.......one day at a time.
luvepiphany		#6	[-]
Posts: 6752 (03/26/08 08:05:29) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Yeah keepinitsimple, Go with your Gut! Onething you won't find in alanon is people telling you what to do about divorce or relationships or rehabs or or or You will find tools to learn to listen to your gut and do what is best for you, right now. I just have experienced the addict remorse so much. It was given in so many last ditch efforts to try to figure out a way to keep using....I don't believe that the meth addict in active addiction can actually function on the "now feelings". I don't think they Can Feel anything but the need to do more meth. If others disagree, that's ok. I get my experience from numerous trips down Pain and Disappointment lane. Believing the words of a meth addict, especially one who is Desperate and looking at losing their Precious Love, Meth, is setting oneself up for DISAPPOINTMENT and PAIN. But, if you are supposed to go down Pain and Disappointment Lane again, you will and it will be for an important reason to learn a lesson. Honey, you Will Feel Best if you do what you Know is right. luv
Hurting for YOU		#7	[-]
Posts: 205 (03/26/08 08:14:18) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	luvepiphany wrote: One thing you won't find in alanon is people telling you what to do about divorce or relationships or rehabs or or or You will find tools to learn to listen to your gut and do what is best for you, right now. Susan, Luv is right, and I would like to add something to this.......................when I heard this at the beginning my one and only meeting so far...........it was a turn off for me because the "easy" thing to do for me was for people to give me the answers................I didn't know the answers could honestly come from within. In just one meeting..................I soon learned that I am capable of doing the right thing for "ME" and becoming and better person............no matter what life throws at me.
keepitsimpleforme		#8	[-]
Posts: 82 (03/26/08 09:06:44) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	It makes me feel guilty. Doing what is right for "me". It's like I'd rather do what HE wants me to do. I'm so codependant. Hurting - I used to go to Alanon. When I divorced my 1st (alcoholic) husband. I liked them. But, then it seemed like every week there was a new woman coming in --- crying about her alcoholic. Over and over again -- the same exact stories. I just wanted to divorce and move on. Maybe it would help me now since I'm still in love this time.
TenderheartsKS		#9	[-]
Posts: 1031 (03/26/08 09:09:36) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Yes, I have a YEAR LONG TPO on him. We are not supposed to have ANY contact whatsoever for a year. There's your solution. I highly advise you pick up the phone and report that he is still contacting you, via text message. If he gets reported often enough for violating the TPO, he WILL stop. You have the power to make that call. Otherwise, allow him to continue, even if it's via texting, and stew in it
Loraura		#10	[-]
Posts: 6403 (03/26/08 09:12:02) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	You already know this answer. What you are feeling is pain. You'd like the pain to end. Seeing him happy, sober, gentle, kind, loving -- that's your drug of choice to numb the pain. Only you never know if you're gonna get "good shyt" or "crap". Even though the good stuff is rare, it's so effective when it's good you keep chasing it. You're willing to risk a physical and emotional harm in the off chance that it will make you feel better for a little while, knowing it won't last. Sound familiar?
inkolb		#11	[-]
Posts: 655 (10/15/13 11:06:55) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	don't do it!!!!!!!!!! get straight with yourself......you will be glad that you did. lots of love and hugs, angie
keepitsimpleforme		#12	[-]
Posts: 83 (03/26/08 09:38:09) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I think what I need to do is the next right thing (Alanon talking). Stick to the TPO. Let him go to rehab. That's great. Good for him. I hope it works this time. But, I need to do for me and my kids right now.
Hurting for YOU		#13	[-]
Posts: 208 (03/26/08 09:50:48) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	I knew you would figure it out.............
luvepiphany		#14	[-]
Posts: 6754 (03/26/08 10:06:02) Forum Star Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Ok, it's in writing. You figured it out. You looked to find out what you are really feeling, and you did. Not reacting, but acting is a wonderful thing. Loraura just made it so simple to see, thanks, Lori. luv
XOutlaw Woman		#15	[-]
Posts: 1747 (03/26/08 10:11:06) Forum Friend Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	Personally I think the one year mark will be a good time to see where you stand at that point in time. Hopefully you will be moving on with your life and be happy. I think this is significant for many reasons (the one year TPO). Last Edited By: XOutlaw Woman 03/26/08 11:40:26. Edited 1 times.
mcr		#16	[-]
Posts: 88 (03/26/08 10:16:51) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	good ideas-- here- good for me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mcr		#17	[-]
Posts: 89 (03/26/08 10:20:07) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	oh, yeah--and for me -- the ADA is going for a five year TPO!
MkUsmile	Responsibility and Guilt	#18	[-]
Posts: 213 (03/26/08 11:13:48) Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	KIS, I think you're putting too much responsibility and pressure on yourself (and he is too) regarding a divorce. You're putting yourself in a spot where you think its YOUR decision and putting guilt and blame on yourself. The fact is that HE is the one responsible for an impending divorce... he made the decision to emotionally abandon you when he beat you the first time and when he did drugs. It's not YOUR fault and you shouldn't bear the guilt. Its HIS fault and he should bear the guilt if you divorce. He dealt the cards, you're just playing the hand he gave you. I would simply text him back that you cannot meet him for lunch as it is a violation of the TPO and not in anyone's best interest. Then report him for violating the TPO. This whole mess is HIS to bear, not yours. Take care of you and your child, that's your job now, its not your job to help fix him. M.
XOutlaw Woman		#19	[-]
Posts: 1751 (03/26/08 11:40:11) Forum Friend Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	a big "DITTO" to that!
Loraura		#20	[-]
Posts: 6404 (03/26/08 11:50:36) Moderator Reply Quote More My Recent Posts Message Me Connection Blocking Invite Ignore User's Posts Report Post	"I would simply text him back that you cannot meet him for lunch as it is a violation of the TPO and not in anyone's best interest. Then report him for violating the TPO." I agree except for the part where you text him ANYTHING. You have an obligation to follow the TPO just like he does. It's not a one way deal. You replying to contact is exactly as much against the order as him initiating contact. A TPO is not granted to give the requester permission to decide when contact is OK or not. No contact, either way, is the decision that has already been made! Simply report it, and move on to the next right thing, like figuring out what you'll be having for dinner!

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